Do You Know Your Nude Beach Etiquette?

Before I begin this post, if you are wondering how or why people get into hitting up nude beaches?

Not really sure.

I started going because my mother would sun bathe on them often....dating back to my childhood.

Only recently though, did I feel comfortable enough in my own skin to go completely nude.

And.

Let me tell you!

There is something extremely liberating about sun bathing on a nude beach. To best describe the feeling, it's like being repressed by shackles and whips like Kunte Kinte and then being set free to run a muck on the beach.  

Literally.

I know it sounds extreme, but it's true.

I encourage everyone to go to a nude beach at least one time in your life. Whether alone or with someone....on a crowded beach or a secluded one. Just try it and see how you feel.

Now.

If you decide to go, there are certain rules to follow that are considered proper etiquette on nude beaches.

Rule #1 - You cannot gawk at other people on the beach.

It's a beach, not Luke's Peep Show.

This means all the time too. Not when you think, they're not looking. Because chances are...they're on the look out for creepy people staring at them.

Story: every time my girlfriend and I got up from our beach towels to get into the water....the creepiest old guy would prop himself up on his towel and watch us walk to the ocean. Then we were back on our towels, he would lie back down again. Can we say creepy? Yes! Don't do it.

*The minute one gets up from their towel is considered fair game to stare......if you're creepy. 

Rule #2 - Do not take pictures on a nude beach. Even if the pictures are focused only on you and your friends. This is considered a big no no. There are too many shady individuals who like to snap pictures and videos of nude people bathing. Then sell them on the Web.

*Something to keep in mind: Beachgoers can't tell if your lens are directed at them or not. So, just keep your camera in your bag. Then you can avoid being attacked by people like my mother who will approach you and cuss you out for snapping pictures with them in the backdrop.

Rule #3 - Do not walk over to people laying on their towels to start conversations. Or follow them to the ocean to have a conversation either. Unless they smile and wave at you to approach them. I have yet to see anyone be that friendly on a nude beach.

Story: once I stood in ice cold ocean water for about 20 minutes trying to wait for an old white man to walk back to his spot on the beach. I wanted to come out of the water without being greeted by him at the shore...it was uncomfortable and irritating. Making small talk the minute, I emerged from the water was aggressive and weird. So give people space on the beach.


*If you wouldn't talk to them with their clothes on, don't talk to them with their clothes off.

Rule #4 - Do not practice yoga, karate, or any other acrobatic activity on a nude beach. It is rude to  flash your vajayjay when you're doing the Downward Dog in the sand. Not to mention that it's gross. You are being a show off. Your poses are not only distracting, but they're blocking our sun and view of the ocean water too.

Another thing, stop smoking so much damn weed. Lay your ass down on that towel and go to sleep!

*The beach is suppose to be a relaxing time.

Rule #5 - Do not have sex or fondle your significant other on a  nude beach. Nobody wants to see all that! Get a room. If we want to watch porno we can order it on Pay-Per-View. On the beach we just want to enjoy the sun and eliminate tan lines. Not listen to your moaning or see any groping.

Rule # 6 - Do not bring your pubescent children to the nude beach with you. We would rather not watch your 11 year old son walk by us with an erect penis....smiling.

Thanks to you.

Your son has probably graduated from an innocent boy to a sex addict or predator because of his day perusing the nude beach.

*It's not an appropriate place for young children. Keep them at home.

Rule # 7 - Be proud of your body. When you start to feel self-conscious about your stomach or stretch marks...like most women do.  Remember that the old people on the beach have way more flaws than you, and are still proud of their bodies...and the fact that they are breathing and alive.

Rule # 8 - Be friendly and respectful by following these rules and etiquette.

Where Did Gym Etiquette Go?

Okay.

I am about to complain about the goobers in the gym.

Why?

Because they are fucking weird. I am cranky. Hot. Hungover for two days and I feel dehydrated. Despite drinking about 3 gallons of water and feeling like a guppy fish because of it.

Maybe, if the temperature wasn't set on hell? I could have retained some of my fluids today.

But whatever!

I should be use to this sauna like weather sweating out my relaxers and making my eyelids damp.

Now, moving along to the weirdness at the gym.

When is it every appropriate to jump on an elliptical machine next to me and stare at the left side of my face or monitored workout activity for 30 minutes? I glance back at you. You whip your head back the other way! But guess what? I already saw you!

*blank stare

If he wanted to know what workout program I selected - all he had to do was ask! I would have told him politely. He was monitoring my workout the same way, I was monitoring myself....only he wasn't me or a personal trainer. So, why was he in my business? No. I don't think it was anything sexual. He was in his late 50s.

Now.

Granted I do use dumbbells simultaneously with the elliptical machine - not to be extra acting but to add the same amount of resistance to my arms that I receive in my legs...I notice people stare because of this. Which is fine. But then everytime I checked my Blackberry (which was on silent), he was right there again. So, it wasn't the dumbbells. I was tempted to hand him my phone and ask if he wanted to read my text message too. Since he practically broke his neck to be in my phone.

Which leads me to believe that gyms should post up signs that say, "Dear Members, Please refrain from monitoring other member's workout activity and respect their privacy by staring as little as possible."

Other bad gym etiquette?

How about talking loud on your cell phone?

You know to abide by the actual sign posted that says, "Members: please be courteous and refrain from using your cell phone. It should remain on vibrate." Because I don't care to hear your loud husky voice disrupting my workout. You're too loud if I can hear you over my iPod!

Oh! How about not sprawling your body over the mat too? So, everyone else has room to do sit-ups and stretches.

More bad etiquette? It's something men do to me a couple times a month....they see me approaching the dumbbells through the mirror, so they jump in front of me and pick up the ones they want first!

Oh!

So you know that I'm headed to the same dumbbells do you? How about you graduate from your baby workout and use the 15 pound dumbbells, instead taking the 8 and 10 pound ones that I use? Hmm. That's why my arms have more definition. Should be embarrassed that I use heavier dumbbells, while they pretend to work up a sweat or impress someone in the mirror with their baby 8s!

More annoying faux pas?

How about skipping deodorant when you come to the gym? Or wearing dirty ass gym clothes that smell worse than you? You better Febreeze those clothes! No, excuse. That's the poor man's alternative to washing clothes. I understand not wanting to take a shower in the morning too because you're getting ready to sweat. But some of you folks smell bad! So bad that I have to stop my workout and relocate myself three elliptical machines down from you, so that I can stop dry heaving from your offensive odor!

How about sweating all over the equipment and then not wiping it down too? Nobody wants to sit in your butt or back sweat. It's nasty.

What about leaving your towel on the weight equipment that you haven't used in 15-20 minutes? Then catching an attitude because I threw that shit on the floor and proceeded to use the machine. I mean, huh? Next time finish your workout and stop sashaying around the gym. You may not have a life outside the gym, but some of us do!

Why don't people know better?

Why must they be told these things?

I guess proper gym etiquette no longer exists. Some individuals can't even follow the directions posted on signs. Sigh.