Go the Fuck to Sleep

Parents, are you searching for a book to help you cope with putting the Tater Tots to sleep every night? Look no further! Go the Fuck to Sleep is here to save the day.

 

How does an author come up with the idea to create such a book? 

For Adam Mansbach, it started with failed efforts to get his 2 year old daughter Vivienne to fall asleep; paired with a sarcastic status message on Facebook that read, "Look out for my forthcoming children's book, 'Go the Fuck to Sleep.'" 

Due to the overwhelming responses to his status, he began a collection of verses written in PDF form that were bootlegged and emailed to booksellers. 

Who said bootlegging wasn't beneficial?

In a strange turn of events, his thirty-two page book illustrated by his friend was actually published by a small Brooklyn publishing house. Reached number one on Amazon's bestseller list beating out Tina Fey and Steven Tyler's memoirs. All occurring before it's publication date and hitting the shelf.

A small excerpt from the book reads:

"The cats nestle close to their kittens now.
The lambs have laid down with the sheep.
You’re cozy and warm in your bed, my dear
Please go the fuck to sleep."

Too funny!!!

Something even more wild about this book? 

Samuel L. Jackson narrates the audio version of it! 

Isn't that something? 

On the audio version his voice is said to reflect 'a range of emotions and inflections' covering his cool man swag seen in his movies.

Of, course there are Christian groups out there flipping their shit over it. Encouraging booksellers not to sell the book and what not. Which is hilarious because if it wasn't created in the form of a childrens book with illustrations. The whole thing wouldn't be such a big deal. It's not like this going to be placed in the children section of a bookstore either. 

Booksellers know better.

Guess there was always be that small group of haters looking for an opportunity to flex their muscles and exercise their vocals though.

You can purchase Go the Fuck to Sleep for $8.97 on Amazon.

As you can see from the pictures below, these Amazon customers are on Quota for having their Tater Tots pose with their book.

I swear, Boy!

Haha! These folks must be trying to win Worst Parent of the Year awards! But who am I to judge? I'd probably pose my Tater Tot up against that book too. Smh!

The Oreo Experience

I came across this young black lady's You Tube clips describing her experiences as an Oreo. An Oreo cookie that is!

*I will school those unaware of what an Oreo means in my next post. It is subjective.

I don't know much about her, like how old she is or what state and town she hails from with these beliefs of hers. But what I did learn? She does not date black men. She doesn't know how to be sassy. She is as cute as a button. She is funny as hell! And so funny that you forgive her for being ignorant about how she really feels.

If you go to You Tube you can view a collection of her clips. I fell out laughing after watching these four clips:

Now.

Quite a few black people are not fans of her clips. They find her to be racist, arrogant, confused, and uppity to say the least.

I, on the other hand, grew up around black people like her in Connecticut. So there was no strong reaction of distaste over her clips. Matter of fact, they did not phase me at all....once you encounter one, you encounter them all.

Maybe, black people like her should bother me a bit.

But why? Or anyone else for that matter. Because she gives us a bad name? She is hurting us? Not in the least bit. How she feels does not affect you or me directly. She is entitled to her crazy off the wall opinions and statements. Whether joking around or not!

Black people who seriously have her attitude are products of their environment. They cannot change how they feel because it is inherent. I believe it has something to do with a deep rooted issue, they have with being black.

I was called an Oreo when I was a young girl and I thought it was hurtful and mean. To tell me that I am less black than what I am and how I feel is just wrong! Especially in a predominantly white neighborhood in Connecticut. It was like survival of the fittest there! Every black kid trying to prove they were blacker than the next. It still exists today too.

I think it's so stupid.

We are all black regardless of our skin color or daily habits. Not to mention that the world, will always perceive us as being black. So, to what degree you are labeled black is irrelevant in the bigger scheme of things.

But I must say.

To see someone make light of being called an Oreo is refreshing. Even if it does appear as though she is over-glamorizing the word Oreo with the whole Barbie doll persona and what not.

The one thing I have an issue with in the black community: the desire to stay as light and white as possible. I guess Oreos have a problem with this.

But to me? It's a form of self hate. Avoiding the sun so your skin doesn't get dark.

One of the most beautiful thing about Black people is the fact that our skin color comes in a variety of beautiful shades. Shades that look ten times more magnificent when darkened even more. So, I cannot wrap my brain around this idea of avoiding the sun in fear of my skin complexion changing.

It's just crazy.

I feel bad for anyone who never enjoys the sun either, because they're lurking in the shade like they're on punishment or something. They have no idea, the amount of Vitamin D and fun in the sun they are missing!

But in all honestly? I don't see the problem with her not dating black men.

If nobody makes a big deal about the Black man who only dates Latino women. Or the White guy who only dates Asian women. Why is it such a big deal that she doesn't date black men? Everyone has there reasons for dating certain people. Now, as long as they aren't talking bad about other races. There shouldn't be a problem.

It sounds more like a personal preference, if you ask me. She is goober. She acknowledged this and mentioned hanging out at Medieval Times....and there not being any black men there. And well...isn't that sort of true? What grown black man do you know hangs out at Medieval Times on the weekend?

*crickets

I am sure there are a couple of them. Lurking around in their weird medieval costumes...giggling in their dorky glasses...and eating popcorn like the goobers that they are! But would you honestly date one of them? Shit. For me, it's a hell no! *And I have dated square black men before too. But there's no point in faking the funk about it. Some black men who hang out with mostly white people are cornballs...goobers and a combination of both to the one hundredth degree.

Period.

End of subject.

So, there you go!

You can follow her on Twitter or like her on her Facebook fan page.

Hater Alert! Miss France Speaks Out on Miss Angola's Miss Universe Win

Miss France is throwing shade at Miss Angola right now.

Haters, boy!

Here is what she had to say about her winning the crown:

"She was the only girl I didn’t know very well. We didn’t see her much; she was very discreet. She was often in jeans and not wearing makeup. We were all surprised by her win. Many girls made efforts that were not rewarded. I don’t know, something is missing in her temperament. The fact that the competition was held in Brazil surely played a role.”

Damn girl! Bitter much?

And what was missing in her temperament exactly?

The ability to act like a thirsty hoe? I understand these women have to mingle, but what did she want from the girl? To reveal the insides of her uterus and social security number??

I mean, seriously. Since when was it a crime, not to get a boob and nose job, or remove your ribs to make your waist look smaller?

I'm going to assume that she's really mad that she didn't walk around smiling and kissing each and every one of those phony women and judges, like she did. Pissed that she did not spend three hours in her bathroom painting makeup on her face. Heated that she refused to wear dresses that required her to suck in her stomach for 12 hours each day. And to top it off, the anti-hoe had the nerve NOT to walk around in excruciatingly painful heels during their time in Sao Paulo.

I get it.

Girl, Bye!!!! Go sit your ass down in a corner somewhere and eat some Grey Poupon!

*Next time don't try so hard.

Tips, Bro!

I found a website called brotips filled with pretty hilarious and truthful tips for all of us. They are pretty straight up too!

I imagine these tips were created by a cute white guy(s) named Billy or Dan who is in his mid-thirties and likes to stay hip with these Bro tips.

I created a collection of my favorite tips from the website:

The last tip is so true about deleting ones number out of your phone. Haha! I did that one time. Got in a huge fight with a guy I dated off and on for years...then he texted me out of the blues...talking about "Hey, Retta. How are you? Then I responded, "who is this?" And he was all like, "Ohwa oh oh oh! That's messed up! You deleted me out of your phone?" I was so embarassed that all I could do was giggle. I mean it was a bit dramatic to delete him out of my phone. Like deleting his contact meant, I erased him from my life forever. Heh heh. Funny thing about it is that he later did it to me too. So! When I reached out to him to apologize for acting like a Diva Bitch! *I have my nice days. He had no idea that it was my number...when he called back!

And how did I react?

"Ohwa oh oh Ohwa!! That is so messed up! I can't believe you deleted me from your phone AND  Blackberry Messenger?" He enjoyed this too. He knew I was mocking him in the past.

There are so many freaking tips to browse on the website though. I wasn't able to read them all.

I am definitely going back to the website later though.

*If no one else reads these tips from the website. Men, you should! #justsayin

The Misadventures of Awkward Black Girl

If you are looking for a good laugh. Or maybe something new to view on You Tube?

Please check out The Misadventures of Awkward Black Girl's videos and website.

Let me tell you!

I have never seen such entertaining clips in my entire life! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!

This girl is hilarious!

She is so endearing, real, insecure, gritty, and frustrated.
Just like how many of us feel at times. I think that some males might be able to relate to her too. Since most of our feelings on situations are the same.

The plot for The Misadventures of Awkward Black Girl follows the main character and friends as she navigates through life, love and awkward situations. It was written by Issa Rae and I believe it is starring her as well.

She is definitely my new girl crush and I love her!!!!

She reminds me of a certain friend too...lol!

The video below is her first episode. You can also see episodes 2 - 7 by going directly to the You Tube video page.

In this episode she talked about an awkward moment...being dumped by her boyfriend...and then shaving her head.

* Side Note: I actually contemplated pulling a Britney and shaving my head earlier this summer too. Not because of any traumatic experience or anything....but because I wanted to grow my hair out naturally - perm free! But changed my mind like....ha, no way! Quick. Too many girlfriends with natural hair complained about the maintenance for me to be interested in it.

Oh!

If you like what you watched click 'like' on Facebook and follow her on Twitter. I think that she is trying to get a television show right now. The more popularity her videos receive, the better chance she has to get her show picked up!

Please check it out! It will leave you laughing.

PROMISE!

I Got Silica Balls in My Pocket!

Did you ever wonder why those little silica gel packets were stored in the pocket of your new coat, box of shoes, or handbag?

Me too!

Well, not really.

I only think of those clear colored balls when I go back in time to the sixth grade. I had a pack in my new coat and my best friend 'dared' me to give them to our greedy classmate at the bus stop. So! Me and her pretended like we were eating them. He walked over and asked what we were eating. We told him they were the 'new' clear Nerds. He immediately asked if he could try one. My friend and I giggled, as I poured three or four of them in his hand. He popped them in his mouth...and man o' man!!! I never saw anyone's eyes grow that wide in my entire life! It was by far the funniest memory from my childhood, but I could have killed him. It did say 'do not eat' in capital letters on the packet.

I will say though in my defense! The boy would eat anything! He was always asking other kids for their food and snacks. We would drop our pizza crusts on the floor during lunch, then pick them up, and place them on his plate. Just to see if he would eat them. And, he would take them off the plate and pop them in his mouth without even looking! Who does that? Or eats anything without seeing where it's origin was? How about the crazy boy I almost killed with silica balls that's who!

So, to say the least. I became curious about the purpose of them, when I looked at a picture of the boy who happens to be a healthy living breathing man now on Facebook. Good feeling to know he's still alive.

The purpose of the silica gel packets is to eliminate moisture and mildew within your newly purchased item.

And get this!

You can reuse those silica packets by storing them with various products in your home, like your camera to prevent moisture from getting inside of it. Or within your photo albums to keep them dry. Your silver jewelry and silverware so it doesn't tarnish. Your golf bag! Your tackle box for fishing. Storage bins that you keep excess clothing in too.

When the silica gel packets appear not to be working anymore. Set your oven to 100 degrees, and place them on a cookie sheet in the oven for 1 hour. This will recharge the silica balls. Isn't that neat? (This feels like Science class, minus an explanation of why it works.) And store them in a Ziploc bag until you're ready to use them again.

I can't wait to buy something new! Just so I can use those packets.
This time, I won't feed them to anyone either.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

You Park Like An Asshole

Today a friend from art school posted pictures of his coworker parking like an asshole on Facebook.

He created an entire photo album devoted to sharing photos with the world on how this man parked his car this morning.

I laughed for a good seven minutes over this!

I mean how inconsiderate can one be? He could barely open his car door to get out of his truck. Haha! It's kind of funny, but not really either. If it were me (at that moment in time) I would have been UPset with him!

I guess it ticked him off a bit too, because he went to youparklikeanasshole.com to print out a notice. The same one that's on the violator's windshield, haha!

You should all take a look at this website too. It's pretty damn funny and neat. There are five webpages to browse on the site: Got a notice, Give a notice, hate mail, gallery, and news.

When you download the notice, it reads on the bottom:

"PARKING IS FAR TOO LIMITED IN OUR OVERCROWDED STREETS and PARKING LOTS, AND YOU HAPPENED TO PARK LIKE AN ASSHOLE. GO TO THE ABOVE WEB SITE TO SEE WHY SOMEONE ELSE thought you PARKED LIKE AN ASSHOLE."

The reasons you can check for one parking like an asshole include: 1) two spots, one car 2) ummm...a little too close 3) too far away from driveway 4) too close to my driveway 5) over the painted lines 6) diagonal parking: cool car
6) diagonal parking: not so cool car 7) move up! 8) that’s a compact? 9) you got legs that work, and 10) other:

LOLs!!! I can't deal.

In fear of receiving a notice, please avoid parking like an asshole.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Why I Cannot Stop Laughing!

"Ah ha! I'd rather sit next to crying babies any day over a woman who makes me feel stupid. Haha, yup!"

Facebook post created by my sister:

"Just pissed off an insecure black man on the airplane. I rang the call button cuz they gave me the wrong seat assignment and he was looking in my face like he wanted to help me. When I asked if he worked for the airline he got all loud and huffy and was like, "Excuse me? Excuse me? No I do NOT!" My bad, my brother!! Next time don't try to googly eye me while I'm looking for a flight attendant!"

What I am more certain of than ever after reading her post?

Not only did my sister miss her calling to become a comedian, but she is also hands down one of the funniest damn people I know!

She has no idea how hard or long I laughed over this.

Or how I keep picturing her facial expression and tone of voice when speaking to the offended man.

My mother often tells me that it shocks her how funny I am, when she read some of things I post or hears the things I say. Like she never knew me to be so funny.

I thought it was such a weird thing for her to say because I'm me...her daughter! But I get what she means now, because I feel the same way about my sister.

Like when the hell did you get so damn funny? Who said I was ready to fall over in my chair in laughter when you tell a joke? I mean really. It is still so unexpected because she's my sister and she's a mother...and she was really evil and mean to me growing up. At seven years old I watched her melt the faces of her Barbie dolls on the bulb of a lamp in our playroom with her crazy little friend from California who's name I cannot recall. But I remember watching them like it was just yesterday...traumatized as hell!

But goodness gracious her ass is funny now! And let me tell you something, I swear it came out of nowhere.

That is all I have to say.

ps - isn't the picture of the man above hilarious? Haha!

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Say What Again?

I decided today there is nothing more entertaining than being blown away by the things children say!

Today a second grader showed me a 'book' she created. It was composed of ripped out coloring sheets with her name written in crayon on the top of each sheet. I said to her, "Tabitha, your book is so so beautiful! I love all of the colors that you used on each sheet too. You will be a good author one day! What's the name of your book?

Tabitha smiles at me, then replies, "The Tabitha Vagina."

Um.

[you just don't understand what this did to me]

I bent down closer to her, and asked her to repeat it. I have a hard time hearing when there is a lot of noise in a room due to my ADD. I just heard her incorrectly. I asked again, "What's the name of it?" Again, she says, "The Tabitha Vagina." I asked her one more time and she said it again! Then gave me a look like, damn girl. I guess you're too immature to handle this. Last time I ever tell you anything!

I am still sitting here blown.

Then a couple days ago, two fifth graders got into a verbal altercation. All I heard was, "Oh, yeah? Well, that's why you look like, Yo Gabba Gabba!" The little girl yelled, "whatever!" Then bursted into tears shortly after walking away.

I'm sorry but I laughed. Who calls people, Yo Gabba Gabba? It was too funny, not to laugh. I turned to the wall to laugh for a good 25 seconds after consoling her and reprimanding him.

I had no idea who this Yo Gabba Gabba person was at all? But I could tell by his name, he was visually outrageous.

Later that day I searched the web and found this:

Guess which one is Yo Gabba Gabba? If you guessed the crazy looking human with the bifocals, orange cat suit and furry grandma hat on, then you guessed correctly.

I can completely understand why she cried now. You could have called me any of those funny-looking creatures behind him, and I would  not have blinked an eye. They aren't human and nothing about them resembles me. But call me this black man who looks like he belongs in a psychiatric ward, and I will start crying too.

I look forward to seeing these kids everyday. I am constantly learning something new and crazy from them.