What Kerry Washington Did Right That Gabrielle Union Did Wrong

Real Talk!

Now.

I'm not trying to put Gabrielle Union and Kerry Washington in the same category.

Kerry is an A-list actress.

Gabrielle is an B-list actress.

However, I can't help but to compare the two actresses, since they have tried out for a lot of the same roles. They're about the same age. There are a lot of similarities between them. With that said, when I think about their personal lives. The reason Kerry Washington is smarter than most women in Hollywood is that she keeps her personal life private. 

She doesn't put it on display. She stays out of the public eye and lives a very low-key life. When she got married, everyone was shocked because they didn't know she was dating anyone. The football player she married allegedly had drama with an ex-wife as well. Kerry was accused of stealing him from her too. 

We didn't hear about this though because again.....Kerry lives a very private life! 

I only wish that Gabrielle took notes from Kerry. Maybe, if she did. Her business wouldn't be plastered all over the internet and tv right now. 

Let me point out all the things Kerry did right: She never flashed her engagement ring on Instagram.  She never spoke about her dating life. After she married her husband, she still didn't talk about him in interviews. She only did press for her tv show and award shows. And, when people talk about Kerry. It's always about her styles on the red carpet. There was nothing else for the press to say about her! 

And look at her now! She's married with a baby on the way and living an ideal life.....IN PRIVATE!

There is much to say about private people 'regular people' who don't put their relationships on blast on Facebook or Twitter...or where ever else. These days it just seems wise not to flaunt it, but instead cherish it. Like your best kept secret!

There is something extremely special and sort of fun about keeping your relationship under the lid. Like it feels so special that you don't want to share it out of selfishness....because if you do, then it's not so special anymore.

I'm just saying. 

Maybe, that sounds ridiculous to some of you. These days though? I think it's wise.

*To add more to this, when we make our relationships public. We give others the opportunity to not only question us, but attack us for the decisions made in our relationships.

How dare you catch an attitude with me?! Because I asked what happened between you and that hot man you were dating! You put that relationship out there.

Not me!

You didn't mind when I asked about the two of you in those cute pictures all over the country. So, don't mind when I ask about it now!

One more thing.

I'm sure many of you will agree with me on this one too.....is that those in the most loving and successful relationships don't proclaim their love for each other all over social media.

The couples who seem to be a bit incomplete though. They're proclaiming their love all over the place! With posts like, "OMG! I love my wife and babies soooooooooo much! I'm so blessed." Then 30 minutes later...sending old flames messages asking them to meet up, because they're unhappy.

Things that make you go....."hmmmmmm!"

The TLC Biopic: CrazySexyCool

I have one question after watching TLC's biopic last night!

How many TLC songs did you listen to after the movie ended?????

My answer is five.

I played Waterfalls, Creep, Baby Baby Baby, No Scrubs, and Unpretty on my Itunes for the rest of the evening.

They really were one of the best female R&B groups of all time!!!!

I loved hearing their story.

Some surprising and slightly disturbing things I learned from the movie:

1) Left Eye had a serious drinking problem! Not sure if I ever remember hearing about this in the past. I just remember her burning down her ex-boyfriend's house -- from that I guessed she was wild. Had a drinking problem though? Thought never crossed my mind. She seemed way crazier and emotional than I imagined her to be too.

2) Chili had an unhealthy obsession with having a baby at such a young age! That really irked me. She made it seem like it was her life's dream to be a mother.....when she was living the dream as one of the biggest R&B groups of all time! Did anyone else find that kind of sad? Then when she finally gave birth to the second baby by the Dallas Austin guy...she was like, "Yeah, I don't want you anymore. Peace!" Like a baby was really the only thing she wanted from him. Her obsession with him sort of annoyed me too....because he's not even cute. Like at all. Not to mention, Evan Ross played him -- and looks a thousand times more better than looking than Dallas Austin. I mean, if he really looked like him...maybe, I wouldn't be like ewwww. But look at him! Why is his head so long?  And, he should keep his mouth closed. He might look less dense that way.

3) Pebbles sounded like the Devil Wearing Prada! She was all cut-throat and what not. Did anyone peep that she seemed a bit jealous of Chili in the movie? Hence her trying to throw her out of the group. That seemed like a petty woman move right there! And then, her buying them Rav4's when they went platinum! I mean, huh? And with their own money too!? I mean, wow!!!

Then the jokes about all of TLC's money being spent on her spoiled chubby son's sweet sixteen party! I can't. So wrong!

And this meme.....circulating the web. I die laughing every time I see it. And, it's not funny. It's really sad! The Rav4's they gave them looked used too. Just like this one. Haha! So wrong.

4) Oh, and let's not forget about "Married Larry," Left Eye's ex-boyfriend who was influencing all of her bad decisions in the group. I mean because....married or not. Did y'all see this photo of him?? Married Larry was fine!!! No wonder her judgement was blurred. Mine might be a little bit too.

I like this movie so much! I might actually watch it again tomorrow.

I wish that T-Boz revealed the abuse between her and Mack 10 in the movie. Heard it was going on for a long time....but I do appreciate how strong she has been battling Sickle Cell Anemia for her entire life. I can't even imagine Doctors telling me my life expectancy and what I won't be able to do.

This was truly an inspirational movie....telling you to stand up and take control of your life. Don't let anyone stop you from your dreams and goals. And, the reminder of how precious life can be.

*R.I.P. - Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes

The Oreo Experience

I came across this young black lady's You Tube clips describing her experiences as an Oreo. An Oreo cookie that is!

*I will school those unaware of what an Oreo means in my next post. It is subjective.

I don't know much about her, like how old she is or what state and town she hails from with these beliefs of hers. But what I did learn? She does not date black men. She doesn't know how to be sassy. She is as cute as a button. She is funny as hell! And so funny that you forgive her for being ignorant about how she really feels.

If you go to You Tube you can view a collection of her clips. I fell out laughing after watching these four clips:

Now.

Quite a few black people are not fans of her clips. They find her to be racist, arrogant, confused, and uppity to say the least.

I, on the other hand, grew up around black people like her in Connecticut. So there was no strong reaction of distaste over her clips. Matter of fact, they did not phase me at all....once you encounter one, you encounter them all.

Maybe, black people like her should bother me a bit.

But why? Or anyone else for that matter. Because she gives us a bad name? She is hurting us? Not in the least bit. How she feels does not affect you or me directly. She is entitled to her crazy off the wall opinions and statements. Whether joking around or not!

Black people who seriously have her attitude are products of their environment. They cannot change how they feel because it is inherent. I believe it has something to do with a deep rooted issue, they have with being black.

I was called an Oreo when I was a young girl and I thought it was hurtful and mean. To tell me that I am less black than what I am and how I feel is just wrong! Especially in a predominantly white neighborhood in Connecticut. It was like survival of the fittest there! Every black kid trying to prove they were blacker than the next. It still exists today too.

I think it's so stupid.

We are all black regardless of our skin color or daily habits. Not to mention that the world, will always perceive us as being black. So, to what degree you are labeled black is irrelevant in the bigger scheme of things.

But I must say.

To see someone make light of being called an Oreo is refreshing. Even if it does appear as though she is over-glamorizing the word Oreo with the whole Barbie doll persona and what not.

The one thing I have an issue with in the black community: the desire to stay as light and white as possible. I guess Oreos have a problem with this.

But to me? It's a form of self hate. Avoiding the sun so your skin doesn't get dark.

One of the most beautiful thing about Black people is the fact that our skin color comes in a variety of beautiful shades. Shades that look ten times more magnificent when darkened even more. So, I cannot wrap my brain around this idea of avoiding the sun in fear of my skin complexion changing.

It's just crazy.

I feel bad for anyone who never enjoys the sun either, because they're lurking in the shade like they're on punishment or something. They have no idea, the amount of Vitamin D and fun in the sun they are missing!

But in all honestly? I don't see the problem with her not dating black men.

If nobody makes a big deal about the Black man who only dates Latino women. Or the White guy who only dates Asian women. Why is it such a big deal that she doesn't date black men? Everyone has there reasons for dating certain people. Now, as long as they aren't talking bad about other races. There shouldn't be a problem.

It sounds more like a personal preference, if you ask me. She is goober. She acknowledged this and mentioned hanging out at Medieval Times....and there not being any black men there. And well...isn't that sort of true? What grown black man do you know hangs out at Medieval Times on the weekend?

*crickets

I am sure there are a couple of them. Lurking around in their weird medieval costumes...giggling in their dorky glasses...and eating popcorn like the goobers that they are! But would you honestly date one of them? Shit. For me, it's a hell no! *And I have dated square black men before too. But there's no point in faking the funk about it. Some black men who hang out with mostly white people are cornballs...goobers and a combination of both to the one hundredth degree.

Period.

End of subject.

So, there you go!

You can follow her on Twitter or like her on her Facebook fan page.

Why a Divorce Party is a No

After watching Jen from Basketball Wives partake in a divorce party, my girl and I decided that it's just not an appropriate celebration.

Why?

Because marriage is a sacred vow that we make in the presence of God. It should never be taken lightly under any circumstances. We promised to be with each other until death parts us. To love and honor one another. Never lie. Put each other first before anyone else in our life.

So.

Given all the vows made during your wedding ceremony. You mean to tell me that having a divorce party is a good idea?

If you said, yes.

Should it be okay to have an abortion party too then? With a dead fetus cake topper?

Of course not!

Because it's stupid and NO ONE looks good in the end.

Having a divorce party not only shows that you didn't respect your former partner. It shows that you didn't respect your union either...and you resorted to mocking it.

I mean.

The purpose is to celebrate the end of what you believe was a huge mistake in your life, no?

Okay.

But why? Because you're free now of this person? Still nothing to be proud about doing in your life.

In the end you became another statistic!

I am a bitch for saying it. But guess what? It's true.

There is nothing to be proud of!

Not many people want to date divorced individuals either. You have too much baggage and issues...and having a divorce party capitalizes on your marital problems. It's like telling everyone, "Wow, my marriage was so bad that I need some drinks and cake to celebrate the end with my friends. Woo! Man it hurts so bad that I am going to celebrate until I stop feeling embarrassed that my fucking marriage failed! At least this party makes me look awesome."

Sike!

Making your ex-husband the headless cake topper with red jelly oozing out of him is creepy. Having a pinata that is a replica of him and bashing it until it bursts open with condoms and party favors is actually pretty creative. Haha! I must admit.
It really is....but then really crazy when you think about it for a while.

A divorce party with these activities are funny. Absolutely! It's hysterical! Especially, when your ex-husband had a permanent lump on his forehead that you made sure was replicated in the miniature version cake topper of him. Creating a miniature version cake topper of him in his basketball uniform colors and number is hilarious too.

But does this show that you are in a good place?

No.

It only shows that you hate your ex-spouse. You're not over it. You want to beat him down with a stick. Just like how you did to that funny looking pinata with the big ass lumpy head.

Seriously!

What ever happened to to the days of divorcing and then re-evaluating your life? Quietly. Or making peace with yourself and your ex? Then calling it a day.

Now.

I do know what it is to despise an ex-boyfriend. How hard it is to get to a place where you can forgive and move forward too.

But why put all your time and energy into having  a party that bashes them? Or mocks your former union? The same union that you took seriously at one point in time.

It's just incredibly stupid. Celebrating that big mistake you made with the wrong person. Sitting in a party room with catered food laughing about it with your friends, like it's a bar mitzvah.

Mind you! This ex probably isn't using half the energy you are in celebrating the end of your union.

So.

Why are you again?

Straight up!

A divorce party is a horrible coping mechanism. I think therapy is too. It makes no sense to sit in a room with a stranger talking about how sad you are about your life. You won't do any living in that room! You're just re-hashing the same problem over and over again. It's pointless.

You want to get over your ex-husband or ex-boyfriend?

Go take a vacation somewhere. Go shopping! Get a tattoo or a hair cut. Find a new love! Go to church and pray. Get a new hobby. Eat good food! Masturbate. Or not if you are a prude. Take this time to make your wish list come true. Then enjoy!

These activities are a better alternative to a divorce party and healthier ways to move on too.

Girl Crush

No, not on him!

On this super fly African guy I exchanged numbers with last night.

I'm not sure if he's gay...but I sure hope so!

We have been communicating ever since last night and I am girl crushing on him hard!

Just like how I girl crush with my best girlfriends. But him being straight would ruin this.

Why?

Because that would mean, he's not into me...like how I'm into him, if all he wants is s-e-x.

And maybe? He's not a sexual predator who wants it tonight or tomorrow...or even a few months from now.

Maybe? I shouldn't use the word 'predator' to describe the male sepcies desire to have sex with us either.

But they all WANT sex or some type of sexual gratification from us. They can tell us it's not about sex all day long....that they want to get to know us...sex is not everything to them...but ultimately, they want us to give up the goodies eventually. Doesn't matter how little or much they like....or love us.

Men are driven by sex and women.

To explain this crushing I'm doing on him better. It's like wanting to be all in his situation in a completely platonic way! Make him my BGF (best gay forever). Talk about fashion. Receive his advice...know about his life in London...how he came to have his French African accent...learn about his family...and why he's so cool...learn where he traveled ...how he got into designing clothing...this is what being in someone's situation is all about!

When I first met him? I was standing with my girlfriend talking when I first noticed him staring...sizing me up.

We [women and gay men] can spot men staring at us from a mile away.

I call this the Staredar - the ability to track a stare within seconds of receiving one. This stare does not have to be directed at you either. The stare can be directed towards anyone else within your radar. I believe this may be a defense mechanism...to watch your back - just in case something pops off.

Not sure why, women are better at this than men? But we are.

Men have a staredar but it's always f'ed up. A female will look at them for a split second and it's on like Donkey Kong for them! They're ready to eye stalk you. Club stalk you...and just stalk you until you look at them again.

Women have to be very careful of this too. I made the mistake of staring in the wrong direction plenty of times...sometimes I space off completely when drunk. And the next thing I know? I have some guy beside me who clearly thought I was staring across the bar at him! And the thing about men being thrown off by women like me? They get so confused when their Staredar is wrong....which is pretty much all the time. Sometimes they can get angry and throw out a whole bunch of 'fuck yous' to the lady (or his friends if he's pussy), when the lady gives him the eye roll and the quick 'why is he coming over here' stare.

Rejection still hurts them. Even if it's way less hurt than the rejection we receive as women. They say that they are use to it, but it does affect them in one way or another. Don't be fooled by their, "It doesn't phase me...I'm use to it' garbage. If it wasn't an issue? They wouldn't bring up the topic. They really are that simple.

So simple. They mistake a female staring pass them and around them as an open invitation to approach them. Bless their happy eager egos!

But here's the truth of the matter: if she doesn't look directly into your eyes for longer than six seconds. Or blatantly smile at you. You are transparent to her and she's probably looking at something else. So, don't get excited when she's looking your way with a blank face. Just know that your Staredar is off again.

I, on the other hand, did stare this guy directly in his eyes. He understood and took it as his cue to approach me.

What I saw before I made actual eye contact with him?

He had on a tailored tan blazer with a skinny tie and skinny pants, just like out of a page from GQ magazine.

This is how efficient and fast our Staredar works...we can assess you within seconds, while it takes you three minutes to do. Not to mention that you are so blatantly obvious when you do it.

So.

When he walks over to me, he introduces himself. Then compliments me on my style. I start gushing and laughing, because I am a woman and we LOVE compliments.

*Note the emphasis on love, Fellas.

Doesn't matter how many or few compliments you give us, it NEVER gets old. Or makes us stop feeling giddy, like it's something we never heard anyone say.

Me and The African start talking about how he's a stylist...designs male suits and goes to New York City frequently. I tell him about moving to Seoul...he tells me about going there as a kid with his father a couple times...and we decided that we need to be friends, period.

And that's just the way these things happen.

I can't tell if he's gay though.

What I always heard though...if you question one's sexuality, they're probably gay.

So.

I'm just gonna roll with this and assume that he is!

I look forward to coffee and shopping dates. BBMs about our personal problems. His adventures in fashion. What he likes and dislikes in men and women. What his five year plan is. And what life is really all about to him.

I'm such a girl's girl...I am all about my girls and my gays.


Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

You're a Slut and Selfish Too!

"But but...why can't I talk about how cute my dress is all night? Or have meaningless sex while I look for a husband? This dress was expensive, you know!"

I discovered article # 632 on why us women aren't married today!

Being a slut and selfish are the main reasons we aren't married too.

Well.

Those are two of the reasons listed in the article Why You're Not Married.

I must say though!

I agree those are two of the main reasons many of us aren't married today.

If we can't even commit to getting to know one person, because another person caught our eye a split second later...how do we expect to settle down with anyone? When we're still searching for the BBD (Bigger Better Deal). Or what about if we're too busy between the sheets with Right Now Randy? How can one expect to meet....or have time to meet Here to Stay Stanley? Serious.

What the author said about a woman getting attached to man she is sleeping with is so true too! A man could act and look equivalent to a damn obnoxious hairy gorilla and a woman would still bond with him through sex...human nature. Women are infamous for dating 3s when they are 9s and 10s for that reason alone. Not that dating a 3 is such a bad idea these days. 3s usually have more potential and character than most 10s do anyway.

There were a few valid points in that article about being selfish too. We are so self absorbed that we obsess over ourselves...leaving little room for others. We do put our careers first...then look around in confusion, because we don't know why we're single or when our potential mates disappeared? We want others to revolve around us, instead of revolving around each other. We have a list of demands that we want our mates to meet, yet we are reluctant to give into their demands. We get so caught up in thinking about what our mates can do for us, we don't consider what we can even offer them...if we have anything to offer.

No one wants to have a one-sided conversation with a partner who talks about thyself all day long. Or listen to them complain about their issues all the time. Or talk about what they wore from head to toe in full detail. Or even worse, how awesome they looked wearing it.

This type of behavior isn't conducive to marriage. Or to even helping us make healthy connections with each other.

What I hate the most about this truthful article?

How it focuses in on women. When this should really be directed to both men and women. These are issues once again that we all encounter as single people. Of course....women think about getting married more than men.

But, please believe! 

There are men out there wondering why their asses are still single too. These are the same ones who blame being single on the crazy and deceitful women they encounter...or the right time never presenting itself....or their busy work schedules....with never a thought that the reason they are really single is because of them.

What we should take from this article? Taking a closer look in the mirror is a must, because our own behavior and actions could be the cause of many of our concerns....aside from being single or unmarried.

What is a SAHG?

SAHG stands for a stay-at-home-girlfriend, not to be confused with a stay-at-home-wife.

A blogger named Quiana Stokes wrote about the term in
How to Survive as a SAHG (stay-at-home-girlfriend)
on an entertainment website called Brokelyn.

Okay!

I hope you took a long moment to read her post in order to absorb all of that in!

After discovering this post on a friend's Facebook page, me and my huge opinionated mouth brought this topic up for discussion with friends at happy hour. It turned quickly into a huge shouting match between me, three gentlemen and a lady. If you can imagine...the gentlemen did not feel there was anything wrong with the things Quiana did for her boyfriend. The lady didn't think so either. Please note: as sweet as the lady I had this discussion with is...she is not the brightest bulb in the world. From previous stories she shared, it was clear....she is June Clever disguised as a doormat for the world's biggest asshole.

My opinion of the post?

If you can't tell already....I am not jumping up and down over her blog, like it's goody goody gum drops!

Sorry.

But there's something about the tone of her post that bothered me. Like she was glamorizing her lifestyle as a stay-at-home-girlfriend...or maybe, it's not even that? It could be her belief that if you follow all of her steps, you too, could keep your man during a recession in 2011....when the feel of her post felt more like the role of a woman in the 50s or 60s. If this post was titled What I Do So I Don't Feel Like a Complete Loser in My Boyfriend's Place All Day or even....How I Make My Man Feel Relevant and the Focal Point of My World. I would say cool. More power to you, Sister Girl!

But instead, she comes across like a damn 21st century Geisha....trying to sell a book of June Clever rules on how to entertain your man.

Now.

I will say there is nothing wrong with her cleaning up after him, or with the cooking everyday, or even wanting to look good for him. Every man and woman in a relationship should want to do these things for each other. But...and there is a 'but' to be considered here. At what point do we go too far to please each other? Like completely overboard?

In my opinion? When you spend a majority of your day planning how to make your partner's life easier....or every action made in your life is in order to please your partner instead of yourself? You are taking things way too far!

I won't even go there about her making it a necessity to have sex with her man every night (as long as there is no period). If she wants to play the role of Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman that's her business! Not mine.

If you read the comments under the post, you will notice it struck a cord with many women.

Let's face it!

The last thing an independent or feminist woman wants to hear another woman discuss is how she can make her man's life easier. Do I think Quiana should have sat around her home all day like a bum? No. She absolutely should clean up and make herself useful around her home....especially if she is not working at all. My only concern is that she's doing these things for him, not for her....like she's driven by his existence instead of her own...and it appears that she is afraid of being dumped or replaced by someone else. 

Other things I question about her relationship with him? What role does he play in their relationship? We know he provides a roof over her head and food. Should this be his only role though? I think not. And what else does he do to be a supportive partner? Or make her feel better about being out of work? 

It makes me wonder. Because I heard a lot of how to make his life easier....sending out tons of resumes everyday....cooking and cleaning...and happy hour with her friends so she didn't lose her mind.

The real problem with this post? It was written by a woman who came up with a plan....one that sounded regressive and offensive to many women. The fact that she is clinging desperately to her man during a recession made it worse too. If this was written by a man? It would have been a liberating take on the Modern Man in America....tons of envious women would be leaving comments asking him, "Are there any others like you out here?" "You're exactly what I need in my life!" "Do you have any brothers or cousins?" "What a lucky woman!"

Double standards are a bitch.

The Girl Code

My close friend in Texas suggested I write a post about this topic because of the on-going issues of friends dating friend's flames during their relationship or after it ends.

Are the stipulations of Girl Code changing? Or do some of us just not care about keeping true to this code anymore?

In Girl Code I thought it was a given that 1) you respect each other and other people's property (OPP), 2) you would refrain from flirting with your girl's man, 3) you would not speak about inappropriate things around or directly to him of a sexual nature, 4) you would not get intimate with your girl's man, 5) you would be honest with your girl about any shady activity suspected by her man, and 6) you gave your girl your honest opinion about her man upon her request.

My friend and I talked about a group of girls who were sleeping with their friend's men. Now. The phrase 'their' friend's men should be used loosely because they weren't exactly their men. They were men these ladies were intimate with and had serious feelings for at one point in time.

The lady who slept with her friend's flame said they were never that serious to begin with...he didn't even like her and it was whatever, because she didn't want to talk about it anymore. At that point my friend and I were not only quiet but giving each other the 'secret' side eye. Probably the main reason she wanted to avoid sharing information with us in the first place.

So.

We felt these men should be off limits to them. Period. Doesn't matter if your friend just likes the guy. If she claimed him, than he is all hers. No matter what the outcome of her and the guy. It should never turn into a Gladiator fight, because it's really that simple.

We also had another discussion about a friend of mine going out on a date with someone I use to date. At the time I didn't think much of it at all because I was currently in a relationship with someone else. But after talking it over with my friend more and more, I realized that it still didn't make it an okay thing to do. It was weird. Awkward to discuss and it bit sneaky. At the end of the day, I had to keep in mind that it wasn't over anyone I cared much for anyway.

What was the big deal about it then?

I guess the unspoken Girl Code was broken. The guy in the equation wasn't the point at all.

Which brings me to the next topic. Should Girl Code only be relevant to friends? Or should it be relevant to all women?

More questions!

When it it ever okay to sleep with someone else's man or husband? Or email photos of yourself to them...posing  on your bed or the beach? What about suggesting they spend the night at a hotel with you? Or asking them to leave the person they are with for you? And if you would never do these things to your friends, why is it still okay to others to break Girl Code with other women?

Where did the respect and decency we had for each other go? Right out the door with our morals and ethics? Maybe. And probably, because there was only room in our hearts for our own selfishness, jealousy, envy, and shady agendas.

Another point to ponder: we get so mad at men for sleeping and fooling around with women who do these sorts of things. But why? They aren't holier than thou! Or the type of men we should even be associating ourselves with anymore anyway.

I mean. If they are messing around on you with shady individuals, don't they deserve to be with someone of that nature? So. Why try to interject yourself between them and their partner-in-crime, like you're Captain-Save-a-Hoe? If they can't see that same tornado, you and I see approaching from 50 miles away. Chances are they are not suppose to see it! So walk away. Let them walk into it! There are plans for each of us that are bigger than you and I.

FACT!

As for the conniving women or men? You better believe these same folks will be just as shady behind your man or woman's back, as they were behind yours....so leave that mess in God's hands. You are not Robo Cop, Cat Woman, or Spider Man. Your job is not to make sure justice is served!

In my opinion? Girl Code should probably be a general Code of Respect for women and men. Since this is an issue encountered between men a lot more than women (because they don't give a damn and could care less about their boy's feelings.) This code should be thought of the same way, we think of the Ten Commandments. If we don't want anyone doing something wrong to us, then don't do it to them.

What Chilli Wants

I caught the third episode of What Chilli Wants on Vh1 the other day.

One word two syllables: QUOTA!

She has a lot of nerve coming at these guys she is dating, the way she does. The last episode she basically goes out on like four dates with two guys...then her matchmaker found photos of one of her two dates on a motorcycle with another girl..so she asks both if they are seeing anyone else.

[blank stare]

Do I sense a stalker?

I am interested in knowing how her matchmaker got a hold of pictures of her date on a motorcycle with this girl. He isn't exactly famous...so how did they get these photos? Her and her matchmaker knew their asses were crazy too, because they were trying to decide how to approach the topic of the photo with her date without seeming crazy.

Hmm. How bout you can't...so stop trying!

And who cares if she found pictures of him on a bike with some chick? It is not her man. Her partner. Or her husband! She isn't even in a committed relationship with the dude.

So, how does she have the nerve to ask that type of question? When she is on a reality show based upon going out on as many dates as possible with various men. They are aware she is dating other men too. So, why does she think it appropriate to ask them who they are dating?

She needs to mind her own!

I understand the idea of wanting to know that you are on the same page as the person you are dating. It makes sense. But you cross the line when expect your date not to do, what you are doing.

You cannot expect someone to be fully committed to you, when you have one foot in and one foot outside of the door.

It is unrealistic and selfish to ask that of anyone, especially at such an early stage in your relationship.

It made me feel so embarrassed watching her ask these men if they were seeing other women, while they stared at her squeamish and uncomfortable looking! Then she says, "it's okay if you are...I just want to know!"

Is she for real?

If you haven't  reached an intimate or serious stage in your relationship that's not the type of question, you should be asking that early in the game. However, if you believe you need to ask it for whatever reason...it probably isn't the type of person you should be dating in the first place. If you're that concerned about 'him' dating other people.

I have never asked any of my exes if they were dating anyone else in the early stages of our relationship, (1) because I was probably still dating others, (2) it wasn't serious enough to ask that question yet, or (3) they already informed me of their current dating status.

Now, of course it is important to find out things about your possible mate in the early stages of your relationship. Like if you are married. Were you married? Do you have children? What is it that you are looking for right now?

But asking them if they are dating anyone else at that moment is completely out of line!

Clearly, she is on a mission and does not want to waste her time.

We get it!

But she needs to calm that crazy down or she is going to scare these men away before she can get to know them.

I am going to go out on a whim here...and assume she is drilling them because she is afraid and wants to gain control of the situation by being 'in the know' of everything.

But it does not work that way!

At the end of the day when we date each other, we should remember that we cannot control what our date does, we cannot assume anything they do, we should not have any expectations, and we should never move too fast with them because it is just dating.

During the preview of her show Steve Harvey said curtly, "I know what's wrong with Chilli...what Chilli wants is too damn much!"

I could not agree with him anymore. I am ecstatic to see the episode with him in it.

I hope he talks some sense into her!

Choosing the Right Person is Not Like Ordering a Burger

"The idea that you can get everything you want in one person is destructive. And maybe, when you accept that the number is closer to 50 or 60 or 70 percent, that is when you can start to make some progress in choosing the right person."

These wise words came out of the mouth of the blonde girl from Dawson's Creek. Remember Michelle Williams? Yup, she said this. She is the one who had a baby with the late Heath Ledger from Batman.

During an interview she spoke about filling this hole in her and her daughter's life after Heath Ledger passed away. She wanted to find a man who could replace him. Then she had this epiphany that no matter how hard she tried to fill this void, it could never be filled. Even more profound than her last statement, her realization that it was okay for this void to exist in her life because not all voids are meant to be filled.

These are some pretty wise words coming from my least favorite character from Dawson's Creek!

Which is the saddest part about her statement?

I have no idea.

Possibly the belief that your mate should possess all of the qualities you want. It does sound like a destructive attitude to have in your quest to find the right person. The thought of going through life not knowing this to be true, sounds pretty bad too though.

I know there is one point in her statement that will strike a cord to folks.

It is the simple fact that mates who only have 50% to 70% of the traits we want -- will not be enough for many of us.

I blame this on Burger King!

They create advertisements like the one above on cups, posters, and bags. Then sell us 8-10 value meals with options for substituting and super-sizing items for under $6. On top of constantly reminding us that we can 'have it our way' in commercials too.

Call me crazy, I dare you.

But first, do it with a straight face.

After you count the amount of times that you have seen or heard about someone substituting or upgrading another person.

Thank you and good day!

Jungle Fever 2.0

One of my friends from high school is in a interracial relationship with a man whom she made a connection with this summer. Every time she talks about her boyfriend her face lights up with excitement! It is adorable and I cannot help but be excited for her. She deserves to be happy and find the type of man that she has been waiting to meet. She is a beautiful young Indian professional who caught herself a nice catch.

We are talking a real fish fry up in this bitch!

What she did not anticipate upon entering a relationship with her boyfriend: these women would 'come-a-running' as soon as they learned that he was no longer available. Something even worse? The fact that they have been attacking like vultures via Facebook and Twitter. The hate she is receiving from other women because she is not black, like her boyfriend. 

Now this is a sensitive topic for me to discuss for three reasons: 1) I understand the frustration black women have with black men who date outside of their race. 2) I have been verbally attacked by black men for dating outside of my race, and 3) it is hard for us to agree to disagree on this topic because all of our opinions are valid, whether they are right or wrong.

My liberal-minded friends often voice their frustrations about dating outside of their race and I sympathize with them because I have been there.

Now, this may be a bold statement to make. But I cannot help but feel that the adversities that people in interracial relationships face, are no different from the adversities faced by people in homosexual relationships. 

In both cases, these people are constantly being criticized by friends, family, co-workers, and strangers because of whom they choose to love.

What irks me the most about the hate? Why the hell anybody cares so much about who they date? And why we take whom they chose to love to heart?

Last I checked it did not directly hurt any of us!

Yet, it seems to bother a lot of folks out there! To the point where they stop in public in the middle of action to stare, whisper, or in some cases throw out nasty remarks.

I remember how much it bothered black men to see me in public with a white ex-boyfriend. How angry my ex-boyfriend would get over it. Then how uncomfortable I would become because of the situation.

I discussed this problem with a black guy friend who dates mostly white women. I told him that I didn't understand why they would get so upset. His response, "Because it's you, Retta. You're a nice girl and they don't like seeing you with him. They think you should be with them." My reply to him was, "Oh, you actually get it, huh? So, you don't think I should be with anyone outside of my race either?" He paused for a moment then said, "Well, no I don't think you should. Yeah, it's hypocritcal. But just because I date white women doesn't mean I am not attracted to black women. I would date you. So, because I would date you. I don't care to see you with a white guy."

This is the exact sentiment of some folks who are against the idea of people dating outside of their race.

It becomes very personal to them, because it is less about the idea of someone dating outside of their race, and more about the idea of this person preferring to date someone other than them...who is a different race and nothing like them.

It is a strike to the ego!

Would it have been better if the person was the same color? Maybe, a little bit! But it still would have bothered the hell out of them because it's 'still' someone they pictured for themselves.

There is a interracial couple that I hate on constantly: Taye Diggs and Idina Menzel. Taye Diggs is gorgeous and I loved him since forever and ever! And if I cannot have him, well then the hell with everyone else! You see? This is how we really should feel. Just pure hateration. It really has nothing to do with race. I would not have liked his wife's ass if she was black, green, or purple anyway! Because she is with a man viewed as a possible mate to me and other women.

Period.

I think it's part of human nature for individuals to cringe at the idea of seeing a possible mate with a person they cannot picture as an ideal mate for them, and we blame it on race. But it's not the race that really bothers us, it is our own ego. 

Is New Years Eve the New Valentine's Day?

The reason I ask is because of all the mayhem going on around here!

One of my friends wrote on their Facebook status today, "New Years stresses me out." One of my good friends sent me a bbm that said, "I'm not leaving the house." Another girlfriend of mine is sad because it's a holiday that reminds her that she is alone, like Valentine's Day. While quite a few others are beyond pumped about New Years! Sharing details about their cocktail dresses...locations, and fun-filled agenda for the evening!

[the chaos is vaguely familiar to Valentine's Day]

For me? New Years Eve has been consistently random every year for the past ten years. A couple of times I spent it with ex-boyfriends, other times at church with family, plenty of times with various friends, and in a couple cases doing absolutely nothing but sitting infront of a television wrapped in a blanket!

My first thought was to go out with a bang for Nye! By spending this evening out with my girlfriends, get super dolled up, drink lots and lots of liquor, wave my hands in the air like I just don't care, and then forget who I am the next afternoon. I made no mistake in saying 'afternoon' either.

HOLLA!

But now, I am not opposed to partaking in something a little more low-key. Partly, because Mama has to spend a small fortune on her car. And the idea of going to a more intimate house party with friends that I always have a good time with  is way more appealing, than freezing my tush off outside and spending all of my breakfast and lunch money for three weeks.

And no, I don't eat much anyway. But my normal serving of coffee, fruit, and whatever else is on sale at the grocery store still cost money!

The reason I am relating New Years Eve to Valentine's Day has to do with the fact that the last couple of Valentine's Days, I have received a couple of sympathy invitations from guy friends asking me, if I would like for them to take me out. Two years ago on Valentine's Day, my guy friend called me up, and said "Tanya, I'm taking you out! Get dressed, Woman!" And I said, "okay," in my lonely sad damsel in distress voice. Threw my party dress on and had a blast with him at dinner and the club with friends. Last Valentine's Day, I was sick with the flu and pathetic looking but still forced out the house for dinner by a guy friend. Still had a good time too, surprisingly.

And now? I feel like history is repeating itself with New Years Eve. I received three sympathy invitations this week. But there is no need for this because this is a fun holiday! And nobody has any reason to feel sick or sad. This be the reason right here, I sought out friends and a party to go to on Nye! We can't make ourselves a sad victim or a damsel.

What we should be worried about includes: Where we are going? With whom? Who's the designated driver? And if there isn't one. Who's couch, bed, or closet are you passing out in? That's it! Who cares about the dress? All you're going to do is spill cranberry vodka all over it, like I will on mine.

This is not a holiday for being alone and receiving sympathy invitations. It is a holiday for celebrating the new year through coonish behavior, busting a move on the dance floor, and then falling on your ass and ruining the dress that you purchased from Bloomingdales the prior week.

[cough cough]

There is one wish that I always have every New Years though. It is to celebrate New Years Eve with all of my favorite people under one roof. I cannot think of anything more exciting than partying with all of my favorites for one evening of debauchery! I swear that it would be like the best birthday party x 100!

I am an optimist too.

I will make this happen one of these years!

Type A Personality: Egotist

This is what I learned today.

The hard way.

Type A Personalities are some of the craziest individuals on this earth. If you suspect anyone you are growing close to of having a Type A Personality, do yourself a favor and run as fast as you can the other way.

FAST!

I am starting to believe that fast is an acronym and what it really means is:

F - uck
A - ssholes
S - hit
T - ime to go!

I found a bit of information on Type A Personalities, so everyone can identify the signs and run fast before it is too late.

When individuals are faced with feelings of frustration or insecurity, they may become depressed. Or they may transform themselves into a Type A Personality. This transition into a Type A Personality is a conscientious effort to deal with their insecurities rather than ignore them. The worse case, they are both depressed and have a Type A personality. They are known for being perfectionist and control freaks who need to maintain a level of perfection that does not exist. They need timelines and schedules to maintain order. They possess low self-esteem that makes them over strive and compete with others. Or even worse, they tend to overcompensate in a way that forces them to swing to polar opposites to cope. They often alienate themselves when confronted with conflict with others. They may deny emotion or not know they have any emotion at all. They tend to have high stress levels. They can engage in episodes in which they launch an attack on themselves or others because of insecurities or lack of control. They can appear rigid or tense, uncomfortable, or expressionless. They tend to be bat-shit crazy because of something traumatic from childhood. They are most comfortable when surrounded by chaos and drama. And last, they must receive attention, regardless of it being positive or negative for their own selfish needs.

[Okay, everything up to the bat-shit crazy part is true. But I do know two Type As that possess the additional traits I mentioned.]

Unfortunately, I had the pleasure of dealing directly with one for seventeen years and the other for six months. I wish it was zero months and years, but sometimes in life there's just no way of avoiding these people. I will take full responsibility in my engagement with one of them though. I should have never involved myself with anyone with a dark cloud above them and a laundry list of problems. And, I should not have assumed anything about them to be a fact, unless I asked.

When I spoke to a friend yesterday about a Type A that he dated for several months. What I realized from our conversation; although these Type As are impossible human beings, they will be fine. As long as one Type A can find another Type A to build a union filled with calendars and Zoloft pills, it is possible for them to coexist peacefully.

There has to be someone for everyone in this world. I firmly believe this.

My advice to you, especially if you are laid-back, easy going, and a happy person. Do yourself a favor and stay away from these people! They will do you no good, and you will never understand them. And mainly, because they are crazy. Also keep in mind, you are not a doctor and you didn't attend medical school to understand them (my sister told me this last line and she's right).

So!

Remember, say no to Type A Personalities! If you are a Type A Personality, God bless you!