Male Strippers Are Hookers

This is no exaggeration and it scares me.

Doesn't this picture say it all?

His name is Forbidden and my name is No Thank You! Funny how both of our names have three syllables, right?

If you were wondering why I am writing about strippers, it's not because I came from a strip club or even dated one.

It's because I found $25 in singles in my shirt pocket, while packing boxes earlier. And although finding this money made me happy, I cringed at the fact that it was stripper tip money aka male prostitution whore money.

My high school friend (also known as a big goofy pretend pimp-on-the-weekend) handed it me to throw at male strippers at a private party. A party, might I add, that I have been trying to erase from my memory for over a year.  Not working. Well, anyway! So I took the $25 in singles and told him, "Hell, no! I'm hungry. I'll be using this money later," stuffed it in my shirt pocket, crossed my arms, and gave him my 'bitch, please' look. He wasn't too happy about it, but he got over it. Then handed more money out to other women to throw to the strippers male hookers.

So, this post was basically a reaction to finding hooker money in my shirt pocket, combined with picture texts received from a male stripper prostitute a couple weeks ago.

Before I continue with this story. I ask that you do not hold any of this against me. I met him at this private stripper sex party. A party by the way, he wasn't stripping at. Or at least I thought so?

But whatever.

I cant be held responsible for remembering stuff that I try to erase from my memory!

All I know is the male stripper sent me pictures of him and his stripper friends in compromising positions. One had a thing on his penis. The other didn't have anything on it at all. Matter of fact, a woman was touching it. The others were just scary.

I don't even want to talk about the scary ones.

*Just think low budget films

My final conclusion: male strippers are definitely hookers, only worse. Because let's face the facts here.

There is nothing wrong with a stripper, unless you are a male stripper. They're like a completely different animal out here in the wild. They lack tact that even the most devious female stripper possesses. So, we have to take a step down and evaluate the next female kind they are equivalent to: female hooker. But even women hookers have standards, that male strippers simply do not.

A female hooker will make you pay cash to sleep with her.

A male stripper will have sex with you in exchange for Polly-O String Cheese and an Push-Up Pop, because they stay hungry for snacks and sex.

Begging a male stripper for sex is like, begging a cashier to PLEASE keep the change made from your one hundred dollar bill.

It's super easy to do.

A male stripper at a private party will show you his penis. Emulate sexual acts on top of you. Put his face in your private part. Swing his thing at you. And basically do any other inappropriate thing you can imagine a stripper crossing the line doing to a victim.

I say victim because that's what you are upon being attacked by their oily satanic bodies.

So.

Stay away from a male stripper with chains wrapped around his body.

Stay away from a male stripper who is dresses as a Pharaoh.

Stay away from a male stripper with chaps on.

Stay away from a stripper who pussy pops.

Stay away from male stripper who looks like a skinny woman too, he could be transitioning.

Just stay away!!!

These men have sex with anyone at private parties. Go down on random women. Pretend not to be strippers and obtain your contact information **cough. Do all types of nasty sexual acts that would require a Doctor to check for STDs in less common areas like toes and ears for infection

Just keeping it real. 100 all day, Baby!

I got the 4-1-1, Hon.

So much 4-1-1. I know enough to stay away from them. They ain't picking me up. Dry humping me. Gyrating on me. Luring me in. Not kissing me anywhere on my body.

Don't care if it's an elbow.

It's not happening!

I learned my lesson after being around them. That is all I have to say. Carry along now!

This is Exactly Why I Do Not Like Cats

Seeing this illustration reminds me of why I am scared of cats!

This and the fact that I was attacked by one.

I dated a guy who had a cat. He told me how much he loved his cat...how friendly it was...and to go ahead and pet the damn thing...

Since it was SO friendly!

So, I said, "okay!" Reach to pat the little critter gently on the head...and BAM!!! That evil motha attacked me like the cat version of Kujo! I mean literally jumped at me too. Like the minute my hand touched it's head....screeched and clawed at my hand until it drew blood! The guy stood there in shock while Kujo the Cat went at me too. Didn't react by shoo'ing his cat out of the room either until I started crying and running away from it either.

I have been traumatized ever since too. Like going on six years 'traumatized' to be exact!

I mean seriously. Wtf?

Who stands around like Bozo the Clown when the girl you are dating is being attacked by your cat?

On the real though!

What real man has a cat for a pet anyway?

To be honest with you. The only men I know who own cats are white. Feminine. Or both!

One of my use-to-be-friends who acts like a bratty ass diva had a cat too. What's up with men and cats? It's weird. Just not normal at all.  A pet pig sounds more normal than a man and a cat.

Serious!

Aren't men are suppose to have dogs for companions? To jog with and do manly shit like hunt and fish?

Then again my use-to-be-friend was a needy ass diva. So it probably makes sense that he had a cat to be wedged up his ass 24-7.

I get females with cats. Like my girlfriend with one....but I am still not a fan of them!

They are mean. Selfish! They think they rule the earth. Rule you! They stay hissing at someone. Are lazy. Sneaky. Need too much damn attention. They look evil. Did I say mean already?

I cannot over them!

Ever.

I learned to give them a look when they get too close though. They are not stupid either. I give them that much!

They know it is a 'stay the fuck away from her ass because she does not fuck with my kind' look too. Cats are smarter than dogs. I give them that much! But unlike dogs, they don't seem to realize they are not humans. This really irks me too.

I swear they are the only animals that slither around thinking 'why are you breathing my air' when they look at us.

Mean little critters!

Okay! I am over it now. This illustration got me extra heated over them.

#teamdogs

Too bad Seoul won't allow us to have dogs as pets...because they eat them.

The Que Dog Invasion

This weekend the Omega Psi Phi Fraternity had it's 100th Centennial Celebration. in Washington, D.C.

It was quite a scene out there...I must say!

I witnessed a lot of married Ques (nickname for Omega Psi Phi fraternity) running a muck like their wives hadn't let them out the house in years.

It was scary.

I completely understand now.

These men should never be let out of the house under any circumstances ever again.

Now, before I bash these men terribly....I will say there were a lot of nice events sponsored by them. I saw some Ques dressed up in their best suits and bow ties looking quite dapper. I have a friend who is a Que that I like very much. He's a gentleman and always keeps it classy. He's like a black ken doll with a closet full of clothes to make you 'ooohh and aahhh' over, which all seems metrosexual...until you hear him clown dudes who are coons, wear pink, and act like pussies.

I know this is such a woman thing to say, but his closet is like a fantasy to me.

Some people get aroused by cars, sex, bling...I get aroused by organized clean closets with trendy items.

That's sexy!

I cannot help that closets make me feel warm and tingly...don't ever put me in front of an organized woman's closet...you may have to revive me! Sigh.

My belief? To care about what you wear and how you care for it says a lot about a person.

Now, onto the bad Que Dogs.....there were a majority of them - in camouflage and purple tees drunk out of their mind...groping, biting, and howling at women....like dogs.

It was scary.

Not sure when or where the whole Que Dog nickname came about....but I do believe they nicknamed themselves with this.

So.

I guess it's okay to second the fact that I think they live up to their name, right?

These aggressive men were partaking in the 3 Gs: Gawking, Groping, and Grazing! I felt like I was having a flash back to being groped at Hammerjacks in high school (a club where people got shot up in back in the day).

It was just...uncool.

This Que invaded our pictures with his hook sign. I mean can you ask first? We don't even know you, Dude!

Another spoke to me while flashing his wedding ring like, "Yes, B! Recognize the ring because I still have the balls to try and holler. No shame in my game."

Another one tried to talk to my girl who was hammered and didn't notice he had on a ring. But he did and could care less shit.

One bit my girlfriend's friend on her bottom. Crazy thing about it? Her simple tail liked it and couldn't wait to go out again the next evening.

I mean huh?

And we wonder how these men are getting away with biting women all weekend. Yes, because their asses are loving it!

I wish one of them did try to bite me...my heel would have been wedged up in somebody's face.

I mean, seriously. Where is the holy water when you need it? There are too many demon ninjas running around in this city!

What I saw was crazy. The men were shameless. And you know what? This is the main reason that I will never date a Que again. I know from personal experience! They will stare you dead in your face and lie.....repeatedly.

I don't know one good story that ever came from a woman dating a Que..but yet I know a ton of bad stories, smh. No coincidence, I promise.

What I will say though!

Like with any other situation....there are always a couple of good folks who are out shadowed by all the bad folks. The bad folks can make an entire ethnicity, group, or organization look bad...so bad that we all assume, "they all must be the same!"

So.

 I don't want everyone to assume that EVERY Que is a dirt bag....I just want you to know that 91% of them are dirt bags.

Proof of the 9% that are good folks? And I don't bash every Que?

This Que was cool! A family pyschologist. Now...you can debate with me whether or not he counts, since he legally has to walk around with 'sense' in order to keep his his job.

But this Que was cool and had no legal obligations to be this way! My girlfriends cursed at him for approaching me...all he did was smile and engaged me in conversation, like he didn't hear a thing. Then told me, he wished that he met me earlier this evening." I laughed and said, "Really? And deal with these belligerent bitches all night?? Yeah, right!" He just laughed.

The lesson here? 1) If it quacks like a duck, it's probably a duck. 2) You can still be nice to a Que even if you're not interested in dating one.

Kid, You're Too Old for This!

There are many things that leave me amazed in life. But this? Leaves me speechless. Just speechless!

If a child's legs are pouring out of the stroller....that means the child is too big to be sitting in a stroller. Strollers were made for babies and small toddlers who are learning to walk. I wonder if allowing a child to sit in a stroller at this age is a contributing factor to child obesity? Or lack of athleticism? I would not be surprised if the answer was yes to both.



The second craziest thing....it is not okay for a child to walk the streets with a pacifier in their mouth. 

Not at this age, not ever.  Not anywhere. No way. No how!

So, why do parents allow this? What kind of parenting does this foster for the future? If this girl can walk and talk on her own without crying....the pacifier needs to come out of her mouth. Period, yup. She doesn't need to be sucking on any thumbs either.

What irks me the most about the child below sucking on a  pacifier? It appears to be completely normal and natural to her. Like she was born to suck on that thing until she graduates to other objects....I won't go there.

Seriously.



On to something kooky and weird......breastfeeding grown children who are walking and talking with teeth.

I repeat, teeth!

You know, those hard white things in our mouths used to chew food? Yup, those things. They were not made for nibbling on nipples during breastfeeding either.



It makes me wonder too.....how can any normal woman allow their child to breastfeed at such an age? What is really wrong with them? Do they not know how to let their children grow up? Are they holding on to a stage of their child's life for their own comfort? I don't buy the whole, 'oh, my breast milk is better than formula,' bullshit either. Breastfeeding at this age is a prime example of coddling. Not only should this child be sipping from a sippy cup instead of a nipple...but breast milk and formula should not be a part of their diet at this point.

Time to let go!

Now? I will shut up and mind my own business. These aren't my kids....but you best believe, if I see this on the streets. Somebody will be catching the side eye.

Good day!

Bleeding Nipples?

A former classmate of mine from middle school just posted up a picture of himself at the gym with his nipples bleeding through his shirt on Facebook.

[I do know posting this is wrong, but wow...just wow!]

I mean, seriously.

What the hell is going on here?

Looking at his picture makes my nipples tingle and sting!

Our nipples have to be one of the most sensitive parts of our bodies! I mean. Can you imagine?

Apparently, when you run longer than 45 minutes. It can cause chaffing of your nipples which leads to bleeding.

OUCH!!!

I am sorry. But I have definitely gone running for over an hour on more than one occassion, and not once did my Itty Bitties start to sting, chaff, or bleed.

They may have felt sore but that's about it.

Just saying!

Shit looks painful.

And it makes me wonder. What type of shirts are these folks with bleeding nipples wearing? How do they run too? Gallop. Run on paths like a mad gorilla? What type of boobage and nipple situation do they have too? Do they not moisturize their nips with Jergens like the rest of their body? And if you know your nips have the habit of chaffing and flaking why not lube those bad boys up?

Man! I learn something new every day.

Why Megabus is a Mega-Not Ever Again

Maybe, it's me? But I always seem to run into trouble when traveling on public transportation. On the train, subway...and now bus, the Megabus.

[sighs]

Megabus and Bolt Bus are probably the most attractive buses to travel coach on because of their bright painted illustrations, cheap bus fares, and free wi-fi. The airfare ranges from $1 to $21. This be the reason right here, I hopped my skinny behind on one of them today. I'm attracted to bright colors, shiny objects, and anything that states that it is a dollar.

I'm one of the easiest consumers to target. There isn't a whole lot you have to do to convince me. I'm every salesperson's dream customer. All they have to do is tell me that my $200 jeans are excellent quality, won't shrink, and my booty looks extra fly and big in them, and I buy those suckers in bulk! I hate salespeople.

Back on subject!

I have yet to encounter a soul who has actually bought a ticket on any of these buses for a dollar. And to be honest, it makes me wonder how many tickets they sell for a $1. Is it only one per bus? You can't legally paint ads all over your bus about selling $1 tickets unless you do. So, maybe they give one or two tickets away on every bus for that price?

If anyone has gotten on one of these buses for a $1 please let me know and I will stop talking trash.

Til then...

I will start off with the vent cover that was falling down from the side into the aisle. It did strike me as a little odd. But listen, there were two open seats under it calling my name, so I plopped myself down in that window seat and put my pocketbook and coat in the other seat. I closed my eyes immediately and breathed a deep sigh of relief.

Three seconds later.

"Excuse me, can I sit here?" I opened my eyes and look up. Ugh! It was the same young guy I saw outside in line who tried to make eye contact. Young guys are so stupid though. If I didn't bother to acknowledge your eye contact, it means that I don't care to talk or sit next to you either. He continued to point to my things on the seat. I scanned the second level of the bus to see how many other seats were available, I counted five. Two that I knew for a fact didn't have any bags on them, unlike my seat.

"Sure," I say with absolutely no enthusiasm in my voice and an eye roll, he did not miss.

I knew how the rest of this bus ride would be the minute he sat down next to me, and I was deeply saddened.

Then I started to grow really angry too.

During my college years in Philadelphia, I came across the same situation every train ride home to Maryland. Random dudes who want to sit down next to you in a cart filled with open seats. Stare at you the whole time like they had no proper home training, make their presence known through loud and obnoxious behavior, and then harass you for your phone number.

This 'boo boo the fool' was the worst of them all though.

He had two duffle bags and bunch of frames that he put at the bottom of his feet. The coat he was wearing was large enough to hide a couple bombs, a large Mexican family, and me. But I was cool. I had a sharp metal nail filer and  a pair of tweezers in my pocketbook that could draw blood. Just in case, he wanted to kidnap me in that huge thing.

I felt like saying to him, "So, you want to sit next to me 'AND' invade my personal space with your mounds of shit? Oh. Now, I really can't stand you."

To top off invading my personal space, he smelled like fried rice and kept moving around in his seat. Just like a six year old. Then he started talking indirectly to me about what he needed to do when he got into New York, and I say 'indirectly' because he wasn't looking at me. Although it was clear that he wanted me to know all of his plans because of the level he raised his voice to, or maybe he's just one of  those (annoying) people that likes to hear themselves talk aloud.

I have no idea?

When he pulled out his iPod, shit didn't just hit the fan. It hit the moon!

He started off by rapping quietly. So, I turned my iPod on to block his non-rhyming ass out. Five minutes later, I noticed extremely cold air emerging from the hanging vent cover directly on me! After cursing myself for sitting in a seat with a hanging vent, I started to hear this guy over the music in my iPod. I turned it down for a moment and this fool was rapping some Juelz Santana song. AND, LOUD. When he realized that I was looking at him, he started moving his arms around like he was dancing! So, I say to him, "Can you be quiet, please? You're a little loud." Then he says, "Oh, I'm loud?! Sorry. This my joint! Juelz Santanaaaaa!"

"Uh, huh. Now, shut the fuck up! Please," is what I was thinking in my mind but never said.

He continued to rap louder than ever for about fifteen more minutes, while watching me text on my phone. Made a comment about my phone being orange...and that was it! There was just too much dialogue going on here. I asked him to please let me out of the seat. "Oh, you need to get up?"

I shook my head and thought, "Yes, Dum Dum! Why else would I be standing here asking you to move?" Of course, it took him four minutes too long to move himself, his ten pound coat, and his mounds of shit out of my pathway too.

I went to the first level of the bus, found a nice seat with no occupants, and thanked God for leaving me an open space on that bus before history repeated itself.

The moral of the story: Retta needs to stay off of Megabus and Amtrak. Period!