Type A's

Are killing me.

Scaring me.

Stressing me out.

Type A's is an abbreviation for the people I am referring to; men with Type A personalities. To learn more about their characteristics read this.

I don't know what it is about me and Type A's but I cannot get away from them.

I actually told the one I befriended this summer that too. He laughed and said, "Oh, you mean guys like me?" I shook my head, "Yes," with a visible side eye.

I still can't figure out why he thinks this shit is so funny? Because it's not. Mingling with one is a big mistake waiting to happen for a laid back individual like myself.

But anyway.

I made it clear to him and everyone else that I am not interested in dating because I'm leaving for Korea.

*Now even though it's important to be honest. Don't do what I did. Keep this sort of information to yourself. Men will pursue you more in hopes of a possible fling because you are unavailable.

My line about leaving for Korea though, is only partially true. There is another reason for my lack of interest, and it happens to be that I am in fact in l-o-v-e with this man.

I won't go there today though, or possibly ever.

What I will go there about?

How I say that I am not interested, but then you are planning dates. And, on top of planning dates, giving me deadlines. Talking about, "6 pm, let me know."

Wait, huh?

Let you know what by 6 pm?

I didn't realize we planned anything!

All I said is I MIGHT be in DC on Thursday or Friday dealing with the Korean Embassy, but I was not sure. Then he responds with, "Great! We'll go to dinner and a movie. 6 pm, let me know."

When he wrote that, I felt this overwhelming feeling of being stressed out. Then I got really pissed off that I felt that way!

I did not sign up for any of this!

A dinner and a movie sounds a lot like a date to me too. I am so confused!

But you see! This is how Type A's get you. You think you're having a normal 'friend' conversation about possibly hanging out with your 'new' friend. Then all of a sudden you're planning dinner dates.  And movie dates. And jogging dates. And let's just hang at my place on Friday dates!

I cannot deal.

I am leaving the country and I am freaking the hell out!

Plus, I'm too nice and I can't hurt nice guys' feelings. I can only do it to Assholes, because I could care less about their shitty feelings. They could eat a bowl of dicks and choke on it for all I care.

But I won't ever be mean to nice guys, like him.

Never.

If you act mean to a nice guy? You're an evil bitch. Because we all know, it doesn't take much for them to become jaded and hate us. Then you are responsible for turning them into an asshole. An asshole they'll most likely be for the rest of their life. The same asshole we all like to complain about on a daily basis too.

And, well.

I won't be held responsible for any of that!

Matter of fact, if I weren't leaving the country or in love with another guy?

I would probably date him against my better judgement, and be quite happy with my decision too. I know how to deal with someone with anal retentive tendencies, a ridiculous schedule, control issues, and a cute little Capitol Hill job.

He's like the next Barack Obama for Christ's sake!

But I am a mess right now.

I just want to hide. Finish packing up all my shit in boxes. Drink the nasty dry wine in my refrigerator and watch TV later on. None of this should be that serious in life. But like my girlfriend said earlier today, "You're a nice bitch."

Hmm.

*tip toes into hiding.

Sharing My Crazy

I have been contemplating sharing my blog with everyone for some time now. Expanding my blog or creating one with my girlfriends is another plan too.

I am a bit uneasy about this though.

Not gonna lie!

I received an email from a guy friend yesterday. He was catching up on my blogging...and said straight up, you're bat shit crazy. Really funny! But crazy.

Now.

He didn't say bat shit. However! I could tell by all the exclamations points written after the word crazy. He meant exactly that! He wrote the word crazy two times in one sentence too....it was kind of like, "Okay. I get it! Haha! I need help."

His email made me laugh a bit to myself too.

Which in turn makes me REALLY want to share my blog. I get a kick out of your reactions. I enjoy making people laugh! Even if it's at my own expense.

No shame in my game.

I said it before and I'll say it again. I like to make people smile and laugh! And I appreciate that you all understand my sense of humor....because not everybody does! It can be a little vulgar. Offensive and perverse at times.

Which is the main reason I am apprehensive about sharing this with everyone.

To know me is to love me....but if you have no idea who I am? All of this could be completely misinterpreted.

Another reason I am hesitant about sharing? If I hardly know a person, there is no way of easing them into this thing. This blog is in your face like....BAM! I don't want to scare people away. Not new people who enter my life. I talk a lot of shit too! I write some serious details about former flames and friends who would probably identify posts about them immediately too.

This makes me nervous.

I don't like hurting feelings and making anyone mad.....unless you're on my list.

I may send a warning that says something like: "Caution: I may have thrown shade out you in the past. Or didn't feel comfortable sharing previously. But it's all love now, Boo! Luv luv! Enjoy."

What can I say?

I am a temperamental bitch. I am the type to cuss you out one minute and hug it out the next!

And maybe? Like how my guy friend made note of my off the wall behavior. I'm not ready for everyone to judge me.

I remember when this guy who use to be a friend read my blog. He made some pretty nasty remarks about it. Said something about it being trashy. Some of the posts making no sense. Me,writing about pretty girl problems. Sounding pathetic and vulnerable in them. Even pointed out my grammatical errors. Which I try to go back in and fix at times. He even insinuated my friends could report my blog to my former school system and get me fired. My blog was private at the time too.

I am fully aware that my blog should remain as anonymous as possible. Which is another reason I haven't shared it with everyone.

You don't see my government name anywhere on here. Nor do you see my email. Name of work place. Home phone number. Address. Nothing! I would never log-on to my blog from a work laptop either because I have a brain. I don't link Facebook to my blog and you won't even find my work information...current address...or email on my Facebook account anyway.

I explained to him that sharing my vulnerabilities, don't necessarily make me weak. They make me human. I write about things that people 1) don't want to say aloud or 2) don't know how to express in words. And I do! So. Get the fuck outta here if you don't like what I write.

Now.

He had a right to voice his opinion of my blog. Freedom of speech. Doesn't mean I have to like it though. He was being a hater. Sipping hard on that Special Edition of the Haterade! Can't buy the stuff he was drinking in stores.

The honest to goodness truth?

I don't always make sense. Sometimes I write in rants. Or it's happier than usual. I can be a bit bias too. I talk badly about the women on Basketball Wives and Housewives of Atlanta. Then write posts about men I adore: Ice T, Steve Harvey, and Boris Kodjoe.

No love for the ladies.

So messed up!

I know this! But if you don't know me, you wouldn't know. I am smart enough to acknowledge the errors in my ways! Then change them.

So.

If I do decide to share? I can suck it up. I may not react in the best way, but I can get over the fact that not everyone is going to love what I say...or find me particularly funny. And that's fine I guess. I have no problem handing out 'fuck yous' and then doing my 'hater's gon hate strut' at all.

Plain and simple.

Any ideas on how to share my blog? Without making it too public.

Kind of funny how I don't mind strangers reading my blog. But I am quick to censor myself around people I know.

Got Anger?

What I appreciate the most about you folks is calling me out on my nonsense after you read my posts.

Yes, I have been more hostile than usual lately. I would like to apologize for the negativity.

I have been tested non-stop these past couple of months, and I finally snapped.

First because of drama with my sister who was like one of my best friends. Then with my mother getting in the middle with her two cents. When you cannot force your daughters to make up with each other. Especially, when one is a hot head and knows she did nothing wrong.

And yes, that would be moi!

These men aren't helping my situation either. Too aggressive. Too calculating. Too shady. Too needy for attention. Too everything. They harass you about not returning their calls...yada yada! When you speak honestly, and tell them you don't return calls because you're not interested. They say things like, 'Well, I knew we weren't a match...you are just like the weather.' I get annoyed, and think okay. Then go the fuck away! Stop sending texts trying to make me feel guilty for not hanging out with you, if you feel the way you do. I don't bother you, you bother me! I am tired of being provoked by these dudes who need too much attention.

*When I am ready to date seriously again. I'm going for the starving artist or writer type. Someone who has a lot to say, and can express themselves. Make me laugh. Write me poems...use big words I don't  understand to explain how they feel about me. The broker, the better! I want him to be so poor that it humbles him. He'll never worry about women trying to use him for his money, because he won't have any. Being poor will make him realize that he can't rely on his profession to validate him. Instead he has to rely on his personality (which is hard to do) combined with ambition to get him far in life. And no, I don't mind being a Sugar Mama...I already know that's what some of you are thinking. I am a Princess, but nothing feels better than caring for the people who mean the most to you. Especially, when they would do the same for you in a heartbeat.

I was pissy about being overshadowed on my birthday too. By one of the world's most self-centered human beings who was never a good friend to begin with...complained about not being picked up on my birthday to go out...and then let me know Monday morning what a bad friend that I am. This all comes from a person who has very few friends, drops off the face of the earth every time they are in a relationship...who calls up up out of the blues to talk about their problems, and never once asks how am I doing...never took the time to meet my friends, when I met theirs plenty of times because they were DYING for me to meet them...and who only seemed interested in me, when I had something exciting going on in my life....something that could be beneficial to them.

To top it all off, I am extremely nervous about leaving the country....making sure all my papers are in order...I receive all important documents before I move there...I learn the currency exchange to a t....I learn as many 'key' Korean words as possible...searching on the Web for apartments...getting letters of recommendations...making sure I bring bulk up on items I can't buy there...packing and labeling boxes to be sent there...and making sure my mother understands which ones to send and when to send them...all of it just makes my head hurt! I cannot forget any of this stuff either...because there ain't shit I can do about it. When I'm all the way over there.

So.

This is my excuse for being hostile.

I really am ready for a change in scenery, pace, and people. It will be exactly what I need!

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Spent

This means feeling conked-out, completely gone, dried up, used up, drained, and done.

Every time I think about lost time for simple activities in my life, or not having time to spend with friends and family. I just want to cry. It is so frustrating.

I feel sensitive, misunderstood, under appreciated, overwhelmed, and sad.

I have been going to bed every night between 9 and 10:30 pm without accomplishing anything, just to wake up at 5:30 am, and do the same thing all over again.

And now? I can't even sleep-in on my weekends anymore because I wake up too damn early every morning. FML! Serious.

I'm not the only one who is tired and sad though.

Last night someone close to me broke down and cried. They felt the exact same way. They were upset because they were told, "you aren't being here for me...I'm all alone." They were hurt and sad because they knew from the bottom of their heart, they were doing everything they could for this person....given the distance and current circumstances. They expressed how cold it was to hear them say something like that...when they felt this person didn't always do everything on their part to be there for them too. They expressed they knew they were crying because they are just emotionally drained because of other issues, and hearing someone you thought you were being good to say that you weren't at all, was hurtful.

There wasn't a moment that I couldn't relate, understand, or sympathize with them. I felt the exact same way. A different story, similar issues and feelings.

What upset me the most about their situation....trying to comfort a person I love when they are hurt and tired. Then realizing there is nothing, 'I' can do to remedy their situation and make them feel better.

That hurts the most.

I compare their story to mine, and see the similarities: feeling inadequate. Tired. Under appreciated. Stressed. Emotionally drained. Working to fix a situation that you ultimately have no control over. Then feeling helpless and sad in the end because nobody is happy.

I would like to think of myself as a person who is good at expressing themselves and their feelings. I am afraid that I am beginning to lose this now. I guess. I don't see the point? If no one is listening or being respectful of how you feel. Why keep trying?

Oh, yeah. Because it's me. And I don't know, how not to try....or care.

There isn't a more appropriate word for this than feeling spent.