This means feeling conked-out, completely gone, dried up, used up, drained, and done.
Every time I think about lost time for simple activities in my life, or not having time to spend with friends and family. I just want to cry. It is so frustrating.
I feel sensitive, misunderstood, under appreciated, overwhelmed, and sad.
I have been going to bed every night between 9 and 10:30 pm without accomplishing anything, just to wake up at 5:30 am, and do the same thing all over again.
And now? I can't even sleep-in on my weekends anymore because I wake up too damn early every morning. FML! Serious.
I'm not the only one who is tired and sad though.
Last night someone close to me broke down and cried. They felt the exact same way. They were upset because they were told, "you aren't being here for me...I'm all alone." They were hurt and sad because they knew from the bottom of their heart, they were doing everything they could for this person....given the distance and current circumstances. They expressed how cold it was to hear them say something like that...when they felt this person didn't always do everything on their part to be there for them too. They expressed they knew they were crying because they are just emotionally drained because of other issues, and hearing someone you thought you were being good to say that you weren't at all, was hurtful.
There wasn't a moment that I couldn't relate, understand, or sympathize with them. I felt the exact same way. A different story, similar issues and feelings.
What upset me the most about their situation....trying to comfort a person I love when they are hurt and tired. Then realizing there is nothing, 'I' can do to remedy their situation and make them feel better.
That hurts the most.
I compare their story to mine, and see the similarities: feeling inadequate. Tired. Under appreciated. Stressed. Emotionally drained. Working to fix a situation that you ultimately have no control over. Then feeling helpless and sad in the end because nobody is happy.
I would like to think of myself as a person who is good at expressing themselves and their feelings. I am afraid that I am beginning to lose this now. I guess. I don't see the point? If no one is listening or being respectful of how you feel. Why keep trying?
Oh, yeah. Because it's me. And I don't know, how not to try....or care.
There isn't a more appropriate word for this than feeling spent.
I've felt this way for a long time: unfulfilled, unappreciated, unloved. I felt no one took any time to listen to me in times of need even though I had always been the one to lend an ear. I felt that essentially meant no one cared, and it made me wonder what was wrong with me. In response, I grew more introverted and aloof, and there grew and underlying suspicion of the motives of others. But now I realize that I can't control the inaction or action of others, and most importantly, the solution doesn't involve taking on a blind belief that life is to always be filled with an easy happiness. That's not what life is all about. Life is about working through each day, establishing and developing a growing understanding of the relationship(s) you have with your universe and its inhabitants, and being able to recognize and recharge with the good when it does comes shining through. The good of this post is that you are able to express your feelings through this blog. You were able to empathize with your friend by listening to them and allowing their sadness to briefly take a hold of your heart. You realize you are human, and that's really the first step of living a good, full life. Good luck, and remember there will be more shiny moments ahead to celebrate, even if quietly and in your most reflective hour.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your opinion and the valid points you made, thank you!
ReplyDeleteYou're welcome, my little doe-eyed fawn!
ReplyDeleteI love you!
ReplyDelete