Type A's

Are killing me.

Scaring me.

Stressing me out.

Type A's is an abbreviation for the people I am referring to; men with Type A personalities. To learn more about their characteristics read this.

I don't know what it is about me and Type A's but I cannot get away from them.

I actually told the one I befriended this summer that too. He laughed and said, "Oh, you mean guys like me?" I shook my head, "Yes," with a visible side eye.

I still can't figure out why he thinks this shit is so funny? Because it's not. Mingling with one is a big mistake waiting to happen for a laid back individual like myself.

But anyway.

I made it clear to him and everyone else that I am not interested in dating because I'm leaving for Korea.

*Now even though it's important to be honest. Don't do what I did. Keep this sort of information to yourself. Men will pursue you more in hopes of a possible fling because you are unavailable.

My line about leaving for Korea though, is only partially true. There is another reason for my lack of interest, and it happens to be that I am in fact in l-o-v-e with this man.

I won't go there today though, or possibly ever.

What I will go there about?

How I say that I am not interested, but then you are planning dates. And, on top of planning dates, giving me deadlines. Talking about, "6 pm, let me know."

Wait, huh?

Let you know what by 6 pm?

I didn't realize we planned anything!

All I said is I MIGHT be in DC on Thursday or Friday dealing with the Korean Embassy, but I was not sure. Then he responds with, "Great! We'll go to dinner and a movie. 6 pm, let me know."

When he wrote that, I felt this overwhelming feeling of being stressed out. Then I got really pissed off that I felt that way!

I did not sign up for any of this!

A dinner and a movie sounds a lot like a date to me too. I am so confused!

But you see! This is how Type A's get you. You think you're having a normal 'friend' conversation about possibly hanging out with your 'new' friend. Then all of a sudden you're planning dinner dates.  And movie dates. And jogging dates. And let's just hang at my place on Friday dates!

I cannot deal.

I am leaving the country and I am freaking the hell out!

Plus, I'm too nice and I can't hurt nice guys' feelings. I can only do it to Assholes, because I could care less about their shitty feelings. They could eat a bowl of dicks and choke on it for all I care.

But I won't ever be mean to nice guys, like him.

Never.

If you act mean to a nice guy? You're an evil bitch. Because we all know, it doesn't take much for them to become jaded and hate us. Then you are responsible for turning them into an asshole. An asshole they'll most likely be for the rest of their life. The same asshole we all like to complain about on a daily basis too.

And, well.

I won't be held responsible for any of that!

Matter of fact, if I weren't leaving the country or in love with another guy?

I would probably date him against my better judgement, and be quite happy with my decision too. I know how to deal with someone with anal retentive tendencies, a ridiculous schedule, control issues, and a cute little Capitol Hill job.

He's like the next Barack Obama for Christ's sake!

But I am a mess right now.

I just want to hide. Finish packing up all my shit in boxes. Drink the nasty dry wine in my refrigerator and watch TV later on. None of this should be that serious in life. But like my girlfriend said earlier today, "You're a nice bitch."

Hmm.

*tip toes into hiding.

What is an Oreo?

Oreo - noun. - 1. a derogatory term used against African Americans in general. 2.  a black person who is believed to possess white traits. 3. a black person described to be white on the inside and black on the outside. 4. a derogatory term used against someone who is half white and half black. 4. characteristics of a black person raised in a predominantly white environment. 5. describes a black person known for partaking in Uncle Tom activities. 6. a black person who dismisses their African American heritage in favor of Westernized ideas.

The Urban Dictionary views an Oreo in their first term as a black person who dresses like a White person. Listens to White music. Talks like a White person. Or dates a White person.

In my opinion?

This definition is completely outdated. Maybe, at one point in time. It was okay to say these things because everyone did dress one way or another. Or listened to only a few genres of music: Alternative, Rap, R&B, and Country.

But nowadays? Things have changed.

There is no such thing as talking White. Because there is no White language, there is only proper English. We all saw how quickly Ebonics was shut the shit down. Thank goodness for that!

There is no such thing as dressing White either. Fashion is Art. It doesn't belong to any one ethnic group. It belongs to each individual who expresses themselves through a fashion risk or statement. But, yes! There are styles that are considered Hip Hop inspired or Preppy....but that's based upon culture not necessarily a specific ethnic group anymore because everyone dibbles and dabbles in it.

Dating people of other races does not disqualify you from being Black anymore either. Like how it did at one point in the early 90s. And mainly, because there's so much interracial dating going on between other races. Now everyone realizes that dating someone outside of your race does not change who you are as a person. The only people this affects are the ones who have a problem with whom you date.

Urban Dictionary needs to modify their definition and get it together!

Look at the sentence they used to describe an Oreo:

"Damn Marcus, have you seen Deon lately? The brother is a total Oreo, he's all drivin' a BMW with his white biatch. The brotha forgot where he came from!"

I mean, huh?

Was that suppose to be spoken by a black person?

Because it sounds like a white person 'trying too hard' wrote it. I know White people who are 'up to par' on their slang who would laugh at this. Nobody says 'biatch' anymore either, for starters. Which is another indication this web page is completely outdated.

With that said.

Are there Black people or Oreos out here that want to be white? Absolutely! But we shouldn't base their desire to be white upon their taste of music or clothes. It should be based upon their mentality or view towards themselves and other Black people. If they criticize our skin color, texture of hair, or features. Express aloud that other races are smarter and better looking. Or they look down at poor black people. And vote Republican. Not only should these Oreos be dunked and drowned in a glass of milk, but they should probably be placed in a never ending "Embrace Your Race an Love Yourself 101" class.

I don't know anything worse than being ashamed of who you are and where you came from.

Girl Crush

No, not on him!

On this super fly African guy I exchanged numbers with last night.

I'm not sure if he's gay...but I sure hope so!

We have been communicating ever since last night and I am girl crushing on him hard!

Just like how I girl crush with my best girlfriends. But him being straight would ruin this.

Why?

Because that would mean, he's not into me...like how I'm into him, if all he wants is s-e-x.

And maybe? He's not a sexual predator who wants it tonight or tomorrow...or even a few months from now.

Maybe? I shouldn't use the word 'predator' to describe the male sepcies desire to have sex with us either.

But they all WANT sex or some type of sexual gratification from us. They can tell us it's not about sex all day long....that they want to get to know us...sex is not everything to them...but ultimately, they want us to give up the goodies eventually. Doesn't matter how little or much they like....or love us.

Men are driven by sex and women.

To explain this crushing I'm doing on him better. It's like wanting to be all in his situation in a completely platonic way! Make him my BGF (best gay forever). Talk about fashion. Receive his advice...know about his life in London...how he came to have his French African accent...learn about his family...and why he's so cool...learn where he traveled ...how he got into designing clothing...this is what being in someone's situation is all about!

When I first met him? I was standing with my girlfriend talking when I first noticed him staring...sizing me up.

We [women and gay men] can spot men staring at us from a mile away.

I call this the Staredar - the ability to track a stare within seconds of receiving one. This stare does not have to be directed at you either. The stare can be directed towards anyone else within your radar. I believe this may be a defense mechanism...to watch your back - just in case something pops off.

Not sure why, women are better at this than men? But we are.

Men have a staredar but it's always f'ed up. A female will look at them for a split second and it's on like Donkey Kong for them! They're ready to eye stalk you. Club stalk you...and just stalk you until you look at them again.

Women have to be very careful of this too. I made the mistake of staring in the wrong direction plenty of times...sometimes I space off completely when drunk. And the next thing I know? I have some guy beside me who clearly thought I was staring across the bar at him! And the thing about men being thrown off by women like me? They get so confused when their Staredar is wrong....which is pretty much all the time. Sometimes they can get angry and throw out a whole bunch of 'fuck yous' to the lady (or his friends if he's pussy), when the lady gives him the eye roll and the quick 'why is he coming over here' stare.

Rejection still hurts them. Even if it's way less hurt than the rejection we receive as women. They say that they are use to it, but it does affect them in one way or another. Don't be fooled by their, "It doesn't phase me...I'm use to it' garbage. If it wasn't an issue? They wouldn't bring up the topic. They really are that simple.

So simple. They mistake a female staring pass them and around them as an open invitation to approach them. Bless their happy eager egos!

But here's the truth of the matter: if she doesn't look directly into your eyes for longer than six seconds. Or blatantly smile at you. You are transparent to her and she's probably looking at something else. So, don't get excited when she's looking your way with a blank face. Just know that your Staredar is off again.

I, on the other hand, did stare this guy directly in his eyes. He understood and took it as his cue to approach me.

What I saw before I made actual eye contact with him?

He had on a tailored tan blazer with a skinny tie and skinny pants, just like out of a page from GQ magazine.

This is how efficient and fast our Staredar works...we can assess you within seconds, while it takes you three minutes to do. Not to mention that you are so blatantly obvious when you do it.

So.

When he walks over to me, he introduces himself. Then compliments me on my style. I start gushing and laughing, because I am a woman and we LOVE compliments.

*Note the emphasis on love, Fellas.

Doesn't matter how many or few compliments you give us, it NEVER gets old. Or makes us stop feeling giddy, like it's something we never heard anyone say.

Me and The African start talking about how he's a stylist...designs male suits and goes to New York City frequently. I tell him about moving to Seoul...he tells me about going there as a kid with his father a couple times...and we decided that we need to be friends, period.

And that's just the way these things happen.

I can't tell if he's gay though.

What I always heard though...if you question one's sexuality, they're probably gay.

So.

I'm just gonna roll with this and assume that he is!

I look forward to coffee and shopping dates. BBMs about our personal problems. His adventures in fashion. What he likes and dislikes in men and women. What his five year plan is. And what life is really all about to him.

I'm such a girl's girl...I am all about my girls and my gays.


Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

What It Means to Be Called a Ninja!

Nope!

It doesn't mean you look like this cute little ninja animation either.

I only added it because it's adorable and I have a problem downloading too many cute images. That and for the simple fact that I like adding images to my posts now. It makes me feel like Perez Hilton, hehe!

So, what does it mean when you hear black folks calling each other this? It basically means the PG-13 version of the 'N' word.  Same amount of letters too...N****.

I don't use the 'N' word ever, because I don't like using derogatory terms to describe my ethnic group or any other group. The word has come out of my mouth before, but only when reiterating what I hear someone else say.

I never use it against anyone...actually, maybe twice or thrice. But then felt awkward that the word came out of my mouth afterwards.

Why do some black people use it when other black people do not? They probably didn't grow up in a  predominantly white community like I did. The type of environment that  used the 'N' word against you as a child or young adult to make you feel inferior.

It appears as though the black people who do use the 'N' word grew up in predominantly black neighborhoods. Places where the term was not only used in a derogatory way against them, but instead as a term of endearment to show affection for one another.

And now?

Here comes the word ninja!

I have no idea when it came to fruition? But I am happy it did, because I do prefer it over the 'N' word. Even if it does mean the same thing, it feels less harmful and aggressive, and actually sort of funny.

In my opinion it is equivalent to saying 'biotch' instead of the original word: bitch....which by the way I have no qualms saying aloud.

I doubt people will ever stop saying the 'N' word because it is so deeply embedded within us and our culture. But I do think that a substitute word like ninja would be a better alternative because it is contagious, and could cause more black people to say it instead of the 'N' word. And...for no reason other than the fact that it's catchy...and the correlation made between a ninja and black person is pretty clever.

Is the word ninja so unoffensive that non-blacks can use it too? No, of course not.

It's offensive for a non-black to use it because it's a blanketed derogatory term. Sort of like how the words: nappy, kinky, ashy should never be used to describe black people by non-blacks.

It is still all the same with ninja too.

This post was only created to enlighten those on the use of this word. I will not encourage or discourage the use of it. Just state my opinion, and point out the alternative and meaning, since I'm on a roll with providing definitions today.

Good day.

Definition of a Man Child

We all heard the term. Probably even had an encounter with one. Or unfortunately, had our fair share of the big babies because we like being a Captain Save A Hoe.

But do you know what it really means?

Man Child - noun. 1. a man child is a fully-grown male that acts like a baby. 2. a man child usually whines, complains, and thinks everything is unfair. 3. a man child is self-absorbed and believes the world revolves around him. 4. man children act like catty ass women. 5. a man child is too self-absorbed to be aware of anyone else around them. 6. a man child needs about the same amount of attention as a needy desperate woman. 7. man children make ridiculous statements to evoke sympathy and babying. ex. - I am so sore. I lost my mojo to go out for the evening. Expected reaction: Oh, no! Please stay up. I'll make it up to you, Sweety! Hang in there, okay? 8. man children in the workplace can be recognized as one who is always complaining about the rules and shows too much emotion. ex. - crying, bitching, and moaning.

Definition in sentences -"He was whining about not being picked up, what a man child!"

"Only a man child asks a group of women to pick him up."

"What a needy little bitch. Where do these man children come from?"

*Please make note of all meanings

**Man children should be avoided at all costs

***This is a public service announcement

BONG!

Tell me.

What came to mind when you saw 'bong' as the headline?

My first reaction upon hearing the word is the actual bong used for weed. Then an erect penis. I know! I must be a pervert.

So out of curiosity I asked my kids at Art camp to draw a picture of what 'boing' would look like to them. And well, most of them drew a bouncing ball....a slinky....some drew cartoon characters bouncing...and one an actual bouncing knife.

Don't even ask!

Because I already asked this little boy if he really thought of a knife bouncing when he thought of 'boing,' and he gave me a look like, 'Yes, Bitch. Obviously, I do.'

So.

I just left his little morbid behind alone to drawing bouncing knives.

Not my kid!

The reason I ask about the word bong. Has to do with two guys that me and my girl know. These two fools say this word 'bong' on a daily basis. Like they are trying HARD to make that word happen.

The problem with this word?

Two ninjas are running around saying it to people. They sound dumb saying it. And, the fact that they are both over the age of 27 doesn't help either. I mean what grown ass man walks around saying 'bong' or 'bong bong' when he gets hype? And would you really want to associate with a guy who does?

Because I do not, period.

They think they are cool cats saying it too, but my girl and I laugh at them behind their back...like all the time.

One, because neither one of them ever gets that hype where they do anything that represents, 'bong.' And two, they sound like two little ass kids sharing an inside joke that SHOULD NOT be shared with the public.

I mean, sure. I've made up silly nicknames and words with my girls before...when drunk maybe. But I'm only sharing it with them, because it Is stupid and they get the joke. I would never try to make any of these words happen around my other peers. But I guess that's how ninjas do it nowadays? I don't know.

Examples of them using the word:

"Getting ready for Miami, Bong!"

"The night is young the drinks are cold and the stars are out!!!! #bongbong! !!"

"Two more days until South Beach, Miami!! I'm goin hard in the gym today.... Bong Bong!!"

"Getting my grill on! Bong!!"

"BONG BOYZ ARE DEPARTING FOR MIAMI!!!!"

"We here!!!!! It's on now... Bong!"

I mean, huh? I just cannot over this nonsense.

Plus, I dislike one of the fools because of the way he talked to my girl. He spoke to her like he temporarily lost his mind and forgot what planet he was on...he makes me want to throw sand in his face and push him in on-coming traffic for hurting her feelings!

And, since we grazed the topic. Can someone please explain why folks get so pumped over Miami?

Last I checked, it was not St. Tropez or Greece.

I just noticed too, how many folks get so hype over Miami. Like so hype, they call for a damn countdown and what not on Facebook.

I mean, really?

Calm down, Sir!

You go there three times a year. And, there is never any 'bong' activity when you go either.
I know their type too. The Bong Twins are NOT getting it in with any women there. They are too timid and corny. They are not participating in trains on women...getting white boy wasted...or making it rain on hoes, like the rest of the male whores do!

They should take a seat or go post themselves up against the wall at the club, like they always do! And shut that bong shit up immediately.

And, if folks really want to impress somebody?

They need to put a motherfucking stamp on it [passport]!

Then we might actually care to listen about your trip adventures. Because nobody cares about your trip to Lil' Havana!

I am just saying, what no one wants to say.

Ladies, what are your thoughts on using this bong word?

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

What is a SAHG?

SAHG stands for a stay-at-home-girlfriend, not to be confused with a stay-at-home-wife.

A blogger named Quiana Stokes wrote about the term in
How to Survive as a SAHG (stay-at-home-girlfriend)
on an entertainment website called Brokelyn.

Okay!

I hope you took a long moment to read her post in order to absorb all of that in!

After discovering this post on a friend's Facebook page, me and my huge opinionated mouth brought this topic up for discussion with friends at happy hour. It turned quickly into a huge shouting match between me, three gentlemen and a lady. If you can imagine...the gentlemen did not feel there was anything wrong with the things Quiana did for her boyfriend. The lady didn't think so either. Please note: as sweet as the lady I had this discussion with is...she is not the brightest bulb in the world. From previous stories she shared, it was clear....she is June Clever disguised as a doormat for the world's biggest asshole.

My opinion of the post?

If you can't tell already....I am not jumping up and down over her blog, like it's goody goody gum drops!

Sorry.

But there's something about the tone of her post that bothered me. Like she was glamorizing her lifestyle as a stay-at-home-girlfriend...or maybe, it's not even that? It could be her belief that if you follow all of her steps, you too, could keep your man during a recession in 2011....when the feel of her post felt more like the role of a woman in the 50s or 60s. If this post was titled What I Do So I Don't Feel Like a Complete Loser in My Boyfriend's Place All Day or even....How I Make My Man Feel Relevant and the Focal Point of My World. I would say cool. More power to you, Sister Girl!

But instead, she comes across like a damn 21st century Geisha....trying to sell a book of June Clever rules on how to entertain your man.

Now.

I will say there is nothing wrong with her cleaning up after him, or with the cooking everyday, or even wanting to look good for him. Every man and woman in a relationship should want to do these things for each other. But...and there is a 'but' to be considered here. At what point do we go too far to please each other? Like completely overboard?

In my opinion? When you spend a majority of your day planning how to make your partner's life easier....or every action made in your life is in order to please your partner instead of yourself? You are taking things way too far!

I won't even go there about her making it a necessity to have sex with her man every night (as long as there is no period). If she wants to play the role of Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman that's her business! Not mine.

If you read the comments under the post, you will notice it struck a cord with many women.

Let's face it!

The last thing an independent or feminist woman wants to hear another woman discuss is how she can make her man's life easier. Do I think Quiana should have sat around her home all day like a bum? No. She absolutely should clean up and make herself useful around her home....especially if she is not working at all. My only concern is that she's doing these things for him, not for her....like she's driven by his existence instead of her own...and it appears that she is afraid of being dumped or replaced by someone else. 

Other things I question about her relationship with him? What role does he play in their relationship? We know he provides a roof over her head and food. Should this be his only role though? I think not. And what else does he do to be a supportive partner? Or make her feel better about being out of work? 

It makes me wonder. Because I heard a lot of how to make his life easier....sending out tons of resumes everyday....cooking and cleaning...and happy hour with her friends so she didn't lose her mind.

The real problem with this post? It was written by a woman who came up with a plan....one that sounded regressive and offensive to many women. The fact that she is clinging desperately to her man during a recession made it worse too. If this was written by a man? It would have been a liberating take on the Modern Man in America....tons of envious women would be leaving comments asking him, "Are there any others like you out here?" "You're exactly what I need in my life!" "Do you have any brothers or cousins?" "What a lucky woman!"

Double standards are a bitch.

The Evolution of Lil' Baby Waynes

"I don’t make sense yadda yadaaaaa." - Lil' Wayne

Not too long ago, I went to a night club called Josephines in Washington DC. It was there that I encountered my very first Lil' Baby Wayne...complete with a crisp white tee, dreads, shades, platinum teeth, platinum chains, and tattoos galore. We met in the VIP section. I was standing below him on the floor, like most civilized people do inside of clubs, and he was standing upon the booth dancing with his friends. He began harassing me with a series of annoying questions...beginning with my age and ending with 'where we going for our first date?' I laughed at him, not because I thought what he said was so funny (even though it was)....but because I had a lot to drink and could not remember the last time, I got slapped in the face 9 times in 1 minute by a man's dreads and necklaces simultaneously.

At that moment in time, I knew there was an evolution of Lil' Baby Waynes out here. I had one on my hands that evening and there were more out there...waiting to wreak havoc on young women every where.

If you are wondering what defines a Lil' Baby Wayne read below, so that you may avoid them as well:

Lil' Baby Wayne - (noun) 1. a child man over the age of 18 years old. 2. one who lacks maturity, judgement, and commendable qualities. 3. a male with  platinum on his teeth that cost more than your 30 year mortgage. 4. a man who wears shades in night clubs and bars. 5. one that wears diamonds in his ears and on his fingers bigger than the ones Elizabeth Taylor and J.Lo have in their jewelry boxes combined. 6. a male with more ink on his body than seen on the cover of The New York Times. 7. one who is not as cool as he believes himself to be. 8. one with a false sense of pride. 9. a male whore who runs rampid through the streets having unprotected sex with women. 10. a sperm donor who has multiple children and baby mama's due to running rampid through the streets. 11. a reckless person who has been to jail on one or more occasion. 12. a male who likes to swing his long ass dreads repeatedly in your face and eye balls to get your attention. 13 one who is persistent and pushy and refuses to accept that no means no. 14. one who harasses you for your phone number standing atop a booth in VIP. 15. a male who refuses to stop talking until you flash your 'I will choke you with those dreads' stare.

* Please keep in mind that Lil' Baby Waynes come in various ages, sizes, ethnicities, and cultural backgrounds. Be ware.

Quota!

Many of you have heard me say this word on many an a occasion. You probably even asked me after hollering the word out of nowhere, "Retta, what in the hell is quota suppose to mean?" 

Let me explain. But first, understand that me hollering the word wasn't out of nowhere. It is simply a reaction to the foolishness that I was subjected to moments before saying it.

We all know that the generic meaning of quota has to do with apportionment and allotment, yeah.

But do you know the real meaning? The raw 'street' version of it?

Allow me to break it down to you!

Quota - (noun) 1. to reach the maximum allowable amount of buffoonery. 2. to exceed coon-like behavior. 3. to strive above and beyond the normal level of shenanigans. 4. to take buffoonery and coonery to an unheard of level of dramatics.

Make sense now?

So, if I am forced by my sister to follow a midget into the elevator to get a picture of him in his leprechaun suit in Vegas. [this situation is a quota, a major one]

When this midget gives my friend the death stare in the elevator because she asks him if he just got off work. [the midget is not on quota, my friend is on quota]

If the midget decided to attack my friend for asking a stupid question. [the midget is on quota for his actions, but we were the quota for following him into the elevator.] 

One more example.

If a third grader tells me that his little brother demanded that he choke him to death last night before bedtime, and his response is, "No...I hate you, but I don't hate you that much." [the third grader is on quota, but his little brother is a quota for saying something more outlandish than his older brother]

Note: the difference between 'Person A' being a quota versus 'Person B' being on quota in both stories. Being a quota is far worse than being on quota. When you are 'on' quota, you only display coon-like behavior. However, if you 'are' a quota. You are the coon-like behavior. 

So, as you can see from these descriptions. Labeling something or someone as a quota is just an easy quick way to identify buffoonery in a kind way.

This concludes my lesson for the day. 

Please do you part as a law-abiding citizen in avoiding all quotas in the future.

Thank You!